HelpMeBubba

And Just Like That....

2011-04-27T21:55:00.000-07:00

he's gone. Crazy. No words yet.

Still Hanging On.....Barely

2011-04-26T19:44:00.000-07:00

My Grandad is still hanging onto this life.....barely. The last few days have been an absolute "trip" to say the least. I wasn't prepared. I don't know how anyone can be if you've never literally watched someone die before. It's not like the movies. It is u.g.l.y.!! I've had a few breakdowns....again not easy. The last one was this morning when I went to check on my Grandad and the "death rattle" is oh so prevalent, his breathing so very labored and shallow....and his eyes....are completely sunken into his skull. It's crazy. I wasn't prepared for that this morning. Last night when I checked on him, after I got home from school, he was nice and peaceful. I thought I'd find him like that again. Nope. He is 100% unresponsive now and has a high fever. He chose the long, drawn out way to pass to the other life. Hopefully, he isn't suffering. I don't think he is...with all that morphine and ativan they are giving him. Hopefully, he doesn't feel the fight that his body is putting up. Hopefully, he's having a heck of a good dream and doesn't realize what's up. Hopefully, he knows how much he is loved and how much he will be missed. I didn't realize it would be this difficult.

In a State of Wishy-Washy

2011-04-14T11:45:00.000-07:00

I say that my Grandad is in a state of "whishy washy"-ness....hospice calls it a see-saw decline. I, personally, like my diagnosis better. I have a love/hate relationship with hospice. They sersiously give my Grandad a death sentence (that's what I call it, not them) every month. It's crazy. Seriously crazy. However, he was issued his April death sentence last week. I rolled my eyes....whatever. Then Wednesday happened. To spare all the nitty gritty details........the man who lives upstairs is not my Grandad anymore...well, not really....he is a shell of my Grandad. He has aged at least 10 years in the past year that we've lived here. He has lost the ability to do a lot of simple things that he was able to do a month ago. Including feeding himself. His mind is sooo very slow its not my Grandad. For those that know my Grandad you know that isn't him. It takes him FOREVER to respond to you. Crazy! Anyhow, Friday hospice told us that he has anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. He is in heart failure and has a wound that indicates he's in the end stage of life.....like the very very end stage. Its crazy to watch. I keep thinking that he's gonna be the exception to the rule.....that the wound will get better and he'll miraculously recover......again. It wouldn't really surprise me if he did. But, we're told that does not happen. So, we wait......we wait for him to pass from this life to the next. So freaking weird.

Refreshed

2011-03-14T13:01:00.000-07:00

Now that I talked about the "elephant" in my life I feel like I can blog again. For some reason I felt like I was keeping a secret from the world wide web (lame), but in reality I didn't feel that it was an appropriate thing to blog about. I know, I know....I've blog about crapping myself, my period, even a somewhat "intimate", funny story about Brad and I.....and I felt talking about my Dad and Grandad was inappropriate. I'm nuts, but at least I know it.

I'm sitting here waiting for my Dad to get home so I can take my little man to Disneyland so he can play with his cousins. Fun day for the G man! I get to go to school, and he gets to go to the happiest place on earth! I'd rather go to school than wipe my Grandad's ass again today though. That's always a great way to start off your week......changing Grady's diaper then to help my Grandad wipe his. I go from looking at a cute literal baby soft bum, to a wrinkly, old raisin ass. Oh the irony....

Warning: This Is Gonna Be a Long One

2011-03-11T15:13:00.000-08:00

So, this post has been a long time coming. And, I wouldn't be offended if you don't read the dribble that's about to spew. Again, this is my therapy. Maybe things will become more in perspective when I'm done with this. Who knows.....

We moved in with my parents almost a year ago. Initially, it was suppose to be short term until Brad got hired onto a refinery. We would be able to save money, get out of the hole we dug ourselves into and not have to sign another year lease only to move again. My Dad is the primary caregiver for my grandfather (his father). He lives upstairs in a studio apt, he's 88 and is blind. When we were looking for a cheaper place to live (a year ago) my grandad's health started declining and he needed more care than what he was getting. I was at my parents house one particular day when things weren't going so great and I had a very distinct feeling that we needed to move in and help. Family takes care of family after all, right? So, that's how it happened.....now it's been almost a year! In the past year I've seen my vibrant, healthy grandad turn into the stereotypical old man. He has literally aged right before my very eyes. I'm not talking a little bit, I'm talking a lot a bit. My Grandad has hallucinations usually brought on by some sort of infection...usually a UTI. He has had multiple "mini strokes"...these scare the bejeezus outta me. The first time it happened, my Dad came running down the stairs yelling my name. He said " I think my Dad is dead." I'll never forget the look on his face. He was unresponsive with blood coming out of his mouth, groaning. Ever since then I know that some day I will literally find my Grandfather dead. Not the last memory I would like to have of him, but whatever. It is what it is.

Since that first mini stroke, we now have hospice come 2-3 days a week. Which is good and bad. Good for my Grandad and our peace of mind, but bad because myself or my Dad has to be home 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. This is more of a pain in the ass than you could imagine. Literally 24/7....no exceptions. That means no more morning walks/runs, play dates, park etc. My dad goes to school in the morning Mon-Thurs, so I'm home in the mornings. My Dad gets everything else. On occasion I'll Grandad-sit for the day so my Dad can do whatever. So, here's my schedule for now during the week.....Mon & Wed I get Grandad til1:15 when my Dad comes home. As soon as he gets home Grady and I go to work ( I take pics of foreclosed homes in the ghetto for banks). We have to be done by 4pm so I can take Grady to my in-laws house so they can watch him while I go to school from 5-10pm. Doesn't that sound awesome? Tuesday & Thurs we are "jailed" til 1:15 again and whenever my Dad comes home I try to leave and take Grady to the park or do errands and occasionally I have to study(blah!). Then I go to school from 5-8. My parents watch G man these nights. Friday I try not to have "work" so I can do something fun with my little nugget. Usually we go to Disneyland or play with "tids" (kids). Whatever it is it has nothing with me going to school or taking care of my Grandad.

I realize that this sounds like a major bitch fest....& maybe it is, but that's not what I intended. When my Grandad isn't sick or hallucinating it's really no big deal. I go upstairs a few times to check him, "toilet" him, chat with him and feed him. When he's not doing good I'm literally going upstairs every 20-30mins. I joke and say I have two toddlers....one two year old and an 88 year old. It is NO fun! When he hallucinates it's always interesting to hear what he's seeing or what he thinks he's doing. I cant help but laugh and play along otherwise I would go outta my mind.

During the past year I have gotten to know my Grandad better. Growing up I never thought he liked kids. Turns out I was kinda right....he tolerates them. He enjoys little girls a hell of a lot better than little boys, so I was a little concerned how he would tolerate my full of energy little nugget. Turns out he really likes Grady. Watching my Grandad with Grady reminds me of the Grandad I had when I was little. He will play his ukulele and sing songs for him when he's doing well. It seriously brought tears to my eyes the first time he did this for Grady. Grady absolutely loves it. He'll sit there and watch him sing and then claps when he's all done. It's priceless. Grady loves going up in the morning to say hi....probably because my Grandad insists that I give him a cookie every time. There are also times when Grady is crazy and my Grandad asks me to leave and to just come up when his meal arrives.

My Dad doesn't deal well when my Grandad isn't doing well. I always saw my Dad as able to deal with anything. Not so. The first time my Dad asked me to meet him at the doctor's office for my Grandad, my Dad left the room as soon as I got there! It was crazy! He literally couldn't handle it. I think that even though my Dad and his Dad have always had a strained relationship it's still too much for my Dad to watch his father dying. I get that, but it's still weird. I shouldn't be too surprised because when Mary had cancer he didn't go to any doctor appointments, chemotherapy...nothing. He went to the hospital a few times when she was there but I think it was a just too much for him to handle. It's hard to describe what happens to my Dad when things get to be too much, but it's not good to watch. Sometimes I wonder if my Grandad is gonna outlive my Dad because of all the stress. But then I push that out of my mind as quickly as it comes into my mind.

Sometimes I wonder if this is why we were suppose to move back to So. Cal. Not because of a job like we thought. But, so we could help my Dad out with my Grandad. I'm hoping Grady won't be to scarred from it all. If anything, I hope we are setting a good example of how families take care of each other. I love watching the bond he has with my Dad and my Grandad. He loves all his Grandpas. I always had great relationships with my grandparents and I hope Grady will continue thinking that all of his grandparents are better than chocolate.....cuz the boy loves him some chocolate!

See.....told ya it was gonna be a long one!

All Done

2010-11-26T23:33:00.000-08:00

What was I thinking when I said I'd blog almost every day? Who was I kidding? I can actually think of 1,001 things I'm grateful for and I no longer need to remind myself of those things. So, no more. How 'bout I just blog more about nothing. Sounds good to me. Brad bought me an iPad today and I'm loving it!! I am truly spoiled. We are in Palo Alto with Brad's family for Thanksgiving and having a good time. Grady's all snuggled up with Brad in the next bed and I'm in heaven with my iPad. Life is good today!

Books

2010-11-18T22:51:00.000-08:00

I love them. Always have. I'm thankful that reading a good book can take me to another place when I need an escape or not.

My Sense of Humor

2010-11-17T23:00:00.000-08:00

I'm thankful I still have my sense of humor. I still think I'm the funniest person I know. I make myself laugh all the time. That's a good thing these days.

Bubba & Nugget

2010-11-16T23:20:00.000-08:00

Seriously, isn't my little nugget just the cutest? These pics were taken in Aug. and the little stinker already looks bigger and older. So sad for me. He's growing right before my eyes. I know I already said a million times I'm thankful for Brad and Grady every single day, but I'm in a little "funk" and I'm having issues coming up with something other than them to be thankful for. So, you get Brad and Grady again.

I'm so lucky to be Grady's Mom. I love watching him learn so many things each day. It surprises me at how much he actually understands what I say. It's cute to watch him obey simple directions (of course, only when he wants to) and discover things every day. It's amazing to me how that little dude of mine is growing into a little man. He makes me laugh out loud every day...several times a day. Which is a good thing for me right now. Every night when I put him to bed I am very thankful that Rachel chose us to be his parents....whether we had a good day or a bad day, I am always always thankful for that. He is my little miracle and blessing all in one.

My head is almost out of the murkiness of my funk...almost, but not quite. I'll write about it soon to clear my head completely.

C-H-O-C-O-L-A-T-E

2010-11-15T21:31:00.000-08:00

Again, enough said. This lovely pic is when I went to a day spa with my besties and I'm eating about my 100th melty, yummy Kit-Kat. It was delish. Chocolate will always get me in a better mood. And, I ALWAYS want it ten times more than normal when I'm PMSing. Why is that?

Speaking of PMSing...... I've read a few articles, blogs and even a book about women who see their monthly visitor, Aunt Flow, as a blessing. Don't worry I'm not gonna make fun of these women. I can understand maybe a tiny bit why.....the whole body is ready for a baby thing. But, here's the thing....I don't know if I see it as a blessing...at least for me. Obviously, my lady parts don't work the way most women's do, so my thinking is....if it doesn't work TAKE IT OUT!! I know I may stir up a lotta hoop-la, but that is actually not my intention...this is my vent session...my blog. My period is terrible. Lately, I've been getting a period for 2-2 1/2 weeks out of the month.....who the hell wants that right? Cramping every.single.day!! Not a good time. When the cramping is bad enough where I'm nauseated and ready to blow chunks I want that damn uterus out NOW!! Seriously, if it doesn't work....take it. My feelings won't be hurt. I've come to terms with this. If it means never to cramp and bleed again, please oh please take it! Menopause is right around the corner and it'll dry up with cob webs inside soon enough...I KNOW. Take it.

Coke

2010-11-14T21:21:00.000-08:00

Along with being grateful for Brad and Grady everyday, I'm grateful for Coke.....every.single.day!! Enough said.

Plastic Surgeons

2010-11-11T21:54:00.000-08:00

Today, I'm grateful for plastic surgeons. Someday he/she WILL put my bubbies back where they belong. I'm pretty sure they don't belong anywhere near my navel. Unfortunately, that's where they reside when I am bra-less. Sooo not cute. A month or so ago I went to a day spa with some of my oldest besties. I couldn't help but notice their bubbies were where they are suppose to be...mine, again,...not so much. This is the only picture I will post of that very nice, relaxing day because the others show way too much of my saggy ta-tas to post it on the world wide web for all to see. When Kayley emailed me the pictures I was seriously astonished at how saggy they looked. It was almost like the mirrors lied to me. To see it in a picture was literally an eye opening experience. Any "bulk" I may have had literally slid down to the bottom of my boob. So, now they look like half empty bean bags with all the beans hanging at the bottom of the bag. Does that make sense? Do you have a visual now? See, not cute. Must be fixed. Someday I will have "nice ones" again. Someday.

Short Hair

2010-11-10T21:30:00.000-08:00

Today, I'm thankful for short hair. It's easier and faster. I can be showered, dressed with make up and out the door in 30 minutes. That's a good thing considering how much I love my sleep. Granted its "mom hair", but whatev....I'm close to 40 and I'm a Mom. I decided it was time to be "age appropriate"....don't ask me what that means it just makes me snicker.

Maremebum

2010-11-09T21:18:00.000-08:00

Today is Mary's birthday so she's getting a "shout out". Today, I'm grateful that Mary (aka "Maremebum" to Grady) has me as one of her many older sisters. Without me she would be lost. Without my sound advice she'd be flopping around like a dying fish. Mary has managed to get herself engaged and is getting married Feb. 11th 2011!! Craziness what the year has done. Now if she wants to be a fabulous wife (like I am) she'll listen and adhere to every piece of advice I give her....do you sense the sarcasm dripping from every word of that?? Anyhow, HAPPY BARFDAY MAREMEBUM!!!

Adoption

2010-11-08T20:22:00.000-08:00

Today, I was reminded that November is National Adoption Month. So, today I am grateful for adoption....for obvious reasons. Without adoption I would not have my little Grady. And, I would not have my little family.

Today was a not so good day for me. Without going into complete detail....for the past 7 months I've been helping my Dad take care of his father, my Grandfather. He is 87 and blind. Typically he does very well on his own and is independent. However, things have changed in the last month and unfortunately lately he is in "decline". I will more than likely talk more about this, but for now I'll leave it at that.

I was talking to Yannette today and I said "today I'm having a hard time coming up with something other than Brad and Grady to be grateful for." (I'm sure I used a few expletives though) She reminded me of our old IFC saying...."well at least I have a working anus." At least I always have that to fall back on when I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Enough Already

2010-11-07T00:04:00.000-07:00

Well, I could go on and on about how busy I've been, how crappy the last year or so has been....but, who the hell wants to hear that?? Just another "woe is me" story. I've been thinking about this here blog for some time and I actually do miss it. At one time or another it was very therapeutic for me. Even though I've been missing from the blogging world, I've been stalking. I just can't help myself.

I'll try to catch you up..... I should start by saying that everything is more than wonderful with Brad, Grady and I. I have no complaints whatsoever in that department. I remind myself of this DAILY to put everything else into perspective for me. The reason we moved back to So Cal didn't work out the way it was suppose to, but we both know we still made the right decision to move back here. So, professionally for Brad things haven't gone at all the way they were "suppose" to. We have re-grouped and now we are slowly being pulled out of the depths of the not-so-awesomeness. Now our heads are bobbing above water. To say it has been stressful is an understatement....The 10+ pounds I've gained from stress eating will confirm that. I could go on and on with more crap-ola that has happened, but I'm intent on moving forward, learning from our trials and trying to make the best out of any situation we are given.

With that I have decided to try to post something DAILY about something that I am grateful for. How fitting for the month of November right? But, I have "challenged" myself to do it until the end of the year. Gasp. That's a lot of posts. On the top of my list will ALWAYS be Brad and Grady, of course. I could blog about how awesome the two of them are all day long, but the shmoopiness could nauseate even the strongest of stomachs. But, honestly, isn't that picture just the cutest? Look how cute my little Grady is! He loves his Daddy and the look on his face there is pretty much the look on his face anytime he's playing with his Dad. I love watching the two of them together. They make my heart very happy. And, for that I am very grateful.....and very blessed.

I Told You I Was Lazy

2010-01-09T15:28:00.001-08:00

I'm outting myself on my unorganized-ness. It really does bug the living be-jeezus outta me that I have no motivation to organize this crap. You would think looking at it should be motivation enough.....but, nope! you're wrong. I start school on Feb. 1st and this needs to get done before then. So, I am posting all my nastiness on the internets for all to see and abhor. Most of the people I know who read my blog probably will throw up at the mayhem.....others may think "that's not that bad, but I can't believe she would post pictures of that mess!". It simply doesn't matter what people think, because obviously I don't give a damn if I'm posting pics of it right? My motivation is now that the internets have seen the yuckiness, I have to organize it and take pics of the after math BEFORE school starts. We'll see how that goes. I often play this silly little game with myself, but it never works. Manipulating your own self...does it ever work?

Now introducing my crap..........

this is Grady's room and this is actually clean. this goes all around his room. the toys have thrown up all over the place!! the task is to get this done with little to no moola. can it be done?

top of Grady's dresser. this will be easiest to do. do you see the elephant and giraffe on the dresser? those use to be hung above Grady's crib, but then the little Mc-Nugget was able to touch them and next thing I know they're behind the crib...and I haven't re-hung them.

this is the garage. do I need to say more? holy crap!! looking at it gives me a tummy ache.

this is all the paper shish. you know..mail, newspapers, CRAP!! don't be fooled if you're thinking that's not that much....we have about three piles of this crap laying around either in the kitchen or our bedroom. it is going to eat us alive.

Brad could honestly careless about any of this....which may be a good thing. My question is: how do I get it done with a toddler? You're kidding yourself if you think he'll sit nice playing with toys while watching me do it. Not my Mc-nugget. I put things away and he takes them out and throws them across the room. It's a fun game, didn't you know? This reminds me of a conversation I had with Meppy a few weeks ago at Disneyland. We met up with our sister, Julianne, and her FIVE boys. Mayhem, I tell you. But, organized mayhem. I noticed that Colby, Julianne's 2 year old, was walking by her and not holding her hand. And, he was actually listening to her when she talked to him. The second I take Grady out of his stroller, he takes off running full speed ahead....good times.

Me: "How does Julianne get her boys to stay by her and not run away from her? They need to teach Grady how to do that."

Mary: "Cuz Julianne's boys are momma's boys that why. They actually like her and want to be around her."

Me: "Blow me, bitch!"

We both laughed. Yes, this is the way my sister's and I communicate with each other. Name calling. It works. You should try it.

Re-Adjustment

2009-11-12T23:27:00.000-08:00

Apparently its been a while since my last post. I guess you could say that I had an unplanned break? I could give you excuses, but who really cares? A lot has happened...August was a very busy and fun month. Grady's adoption was finalized (woohoo), went to AZ to meet my newest nephew Carter, went to Monterey with Brad's siblings and Dad, Grady was sealed to us (double woohoo) and then of course endless visits to the beach, pool and now Disneyland. In August, my sister, Shaunee and her family moved to Carlsbad...which is maybe an hour from here. Its been nice to see all them more often. Grady turned 1!!! And, we went to Wyoming. Oh, and I started school again. And, a few weeks ago Brad and I celebrated our 8 year wedding anniversary. Crazy. Time flies.

Now before I begin my soul searching post...please know I am truly happy. This whole stay-at-home mom thing is quite an adjustment for me. It's hard for me to explain it. I love being with Grady and getting to see every little moment. But, I think that perhaps this staying at home thing has maybe made me a little bit lazier. I know, was it even possible? Yup. I am very much a procrastinator. If I don't feel like doing something like the laundry or groccery shopping...who cares I'll do it tomorrow is my attitude. Everything is I'll do it tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and guess what...doesn't get done. It has obviously been an adjustment for me to figure out me as "Mom". I still don't have it figured out. I knew myself as all the other roles I am/was, but this is for sure different. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it.

So, to try to figure it all out I decided to start running. Okay, let me back up here.....I read a blog called the r house (I'm too lazy to link to it, so if you're interested look at my sidebar), it's an adoption blog that I love to read....anyhow, she invited anyone who wants to run a half marathon in moab in march..the catch is you have to wear an adoption t-shirt (to get the awareness out there and all). I was way excited, immediately called Yannette and conned her into agreeing to do it with me (a few weeks after the conning she found herself "with child" and can no longer run a half marathon...this is a miracle BTW. Remember this is my friend who is in the IFC. But, now I think I may be the only standing member of the IFC...seems how the other two are now able to get pregnant...we may need to rethink the name). So, that's the very short version on how this whole running thing came about. After Yannette told me she was pregnant, I told Brad I still wanted and needed to run the half marathon. At the time I didn't know why. This is what I've come up with: my butt is expanding at an alarming rate, but more importantly I need to have some sort of goal that I can accomplish....its been way too long. Yes, finishing school is a goal, but that is going to take FOREVER!! I need something shorter term. I need something that I can be proud of. And, this is why I keep running. I have now been doing it for 6 weeks. This is amazing. I can't remember the last time I kept anything up for 6 weeks. I'll start something, but rarely do I finish it. Running has kept me a little bit sane. I look forward to the time by myself. I'm not sure I'll be doing the half marathon in Moab, but I will be doing a half marathon somewhere around that time. Since Yannette can't join me, my sister Shaunee let me con her into running one with me. Mary flaked out already....loser! Brad is very encouraging too...he makes me go run when I don't want to. I think he realized how important it is for me to actually do this than I do.

I'm sure I'll survive this "re-adjustment" but how much longer will it take?? It's driving me crazy!!!

One Year Ago

2009-07-23T12:00:00.000-07:00

One year ago last Sat. (the 19th), Miss NeeNo turned 4!! Brad and I gifted her The Bee Movie. And, we watched her and Sim-o swim in the kiddie pool while the adults enjoyed a delicious sandwich from Mr. Pickles.

On my cute niece's birthday, Brad's stepmom, Vicki, passed away suddenly. Little did we know that July 19th was just the beginning of a very (I don't know what word to use here) time in our lives.

One year ago today, July 23rd, was Vicki's funeral. One year ago today, we got the call from our adoption caseworker that a birth mom wanted to meet us!!! Two days from now will mark one year from when Mary was diagnosed with cancer. Five days from now will be one year from when we met our Rachel. To say that my heart is full of every emotion is an understatement. I realize how lucky we are. I realize how blessed we are. I still have no words. I'm not sure I ever will. Remembering that week honestly makes me cry. I don't think I ever shed that many tears in one week my whole life. My emotions at the time were all over the place. I realized that week that I had the "talent" of compartmentalizing my stress (it was a talent that week, trust me...maybe not so much now though). I remember a few days after meeting Rachel, I had a 100% complete meltdown when I allowed everything to hit me at once. It was not pretty. Poor Brad. Remembering that week I remember feeling like I was living in a dream and a nightmare at the same time. It has been a whirlwind since then. We got our baby and Mary is cancer free! I wish Vicki was here to meet and play with Grady. She would adore him just like she adored Brad. We think and talk about her often. We miss her, but we know we will see her again and that she is looking down on us with her big smile and awesome laugh that I miss so much!!!

My Solace

2009-07-22T22:21:00.000-07:00

In my single days I frequented the beach on a very regular basis. Every brown spot on my face is a testament to that. I would go when I was happy or sad. If the sun was out, or not. To praise the sun or walk in the moonlight. The beach is where I found comfort and peace. I have never been afraid of the ocean. Even when caught in the "washing machine" of the waves I was never afraid. I love it!!
Living by the beach again is awesome. I never realized how much I missed it. A few months ago, Grady and I braved the beach...just the two of us. I was nervous how it was gonna go. I didn't know if Grady would like it. Lucky for me, he played for maybe 10 mins and then decided it was time to have a bottle and go to sleep. He slept for 2 hours under the umbrella!!! I was in heaven. I got to sit in my chair, look out at the ocean, sip my Coke, read and stare at my sleeping baby. It was then that I realized how much I missed my beach, how very happy I am and how all my dreams came true.

Slacker!!

2009-06-23T23:41:00.000-07:00

To steal my sister, Kelly's, comment..."I'm a blog slacker." This whole mommy thing has me running in circles and by the end of the night I just don't have the energy. I would use nap time if Grady slept for more than 30-45 mins. I use that time to make it look like I clean my house or most of the time, a much needed sit down/time out. That's my excuse, so don't be a hater.

Anyhow, I have a zillion things going on in my head. As usual, I'm purging my brain in the way of a "list".

* I don't know how people handle more than one kid. I did have the pleasure of watching my friends two girls while she gave birth to her third. I had them for exactly 50 hours straight...no breaks. When Brad walked through the door on the second night I didn't even say hello to him...my first words were "We are not having three children. At this point I don't know if I can handle even two." He, of course, just laughed. I did figure out what was so "hard", or should I say "exhausting". My little friends are very good little girls. They entertain themselves and kept Grady occupied. What was hard was trying to keep them entertained so the whining wasn't overboard...cuz I cannot handle the whining...keeping them fed and happy ...but, oh yeah, I have a nine month old that still takes a bottle and naps. All had different needs and it was difficult to juggle and keep everyone happy.
* I don't think I'm as good as a wife as I need to be or should be. Trying to work on that.
* Grady is almost ready to walk. I'm not ready for my baby to not be a baby anymore.
* "Mommy guilt".
* I have been sucked into watching Real Housewives of New Jersey and Tori and Dean. I'm ashamed to admit it, but now that I'm out with it, I feel better.
* Summer time!!
* Grady's sleeping and eating. Well, Grady in general.
* Father's Day. I was way more emotional about Father's Day than Mother's Day. I would brag about how awesome Brad is, but I don't want anybody to puke (your welcome Mary).

There's more, but now I'm tired. 2 of those I may expand on...depends on how much they continue to eat at me.

My Funny Little Friend

2009-05-18T22:41:00.000-07:00

I live about 2 seconds now from one of my best friends, Tracy. I love it. She has two little girls and one on the way. Her youngest daughter is 4 and she cracks me up!! I call her Boss Lady...simply cuz she bosses me around. When I first moved back she was a little shy...not so much anymore. I've decided that I'm gonna write down a few of our conversations so I can remember them in the future (I'm convinced I have early onset dementia...I'm forgetting everything. My short term memory is completely shot!). So, introducing my Boss Lady....

Boss Lady, her mom and sister were leaving my house and Grady and I were walking them to the car. She's walking ahead of me and says "Your house is still messy even though I helped you clean Grady's room."

Me: Laughing. "I know, but we are still moving in."

Boss Lady gives me the "you're full of crap" stare. Her Mom says "that's really rude!"

Boss Lady: "Well, Mom it is! You didn't see her bedroom!"

On another occasion I stayed in the car with Boss Lady and Grady (he was sleeping) while Tracy ran into a store real quick. I'm talking to Boss Lady and she says to me "you might want to be quiet. Grady's sleeping and you'll wake him up." I laugh and ask her if I talk too much. She gave the "umm....YES!" look. I, of course, continue to talk to her. I ask "So when your Mommy and Daddy are at the hospital when precious is born what are you and big sister going to do?"

Boss Lady: "I don't know."

Me: "Do you think you'll go to Grandma's house?"

"Yes, we'll probably go to my Grandma that lives in the area, not the one that lives up there." She points up.

"You mean Utah?"

"Yeah. Utah. Not to that Grandma's, the one that lives in the area."

"Well, you guys can come to my house if you want."

"I have other friends I can go to."

She told me!! Sounds like she'll be very disappointed if she ends up at my house. Boss Lady acutally does like me. She asks her Mom every day if she can come to my house....to see Grady, but nonetheless I'm there and she has to deal with me. Whenever her Mom and I hang out she gives me a hug hello and goodbye. She doesn't hug if she doesn't like you....trust me!! Hangin out with Boss Lady makes me miss my NeeNee. Who woulda guessed that these little ones would be so entertaining!!

Way Too Serious

2009-05-08T00:31:00.000-07:00

My blog has been way too serious for way too long. When I started this blog about 3 years ago it was a mix of serious (not too often) but mostly things that I think are funny. I have no new funny stories to divulge... sad but true. However.... (this is the time that you need to no longer read my post because I am going to get crude. I will more than likely cross the line and you won't think I'm funny....but I think I'm funny and that's all that matters) ......

However, a few weeks ago I got my bikini line waxed. Yes, you read that right......I get waxed. Always have. Too much info? Too bad. You chose to continue to read. Its gonna get worse...so go away if you're disgusted. Anyhow.... now that we have moved I had to find a new esthetician...a good one is hard to find.. just so ya know. Anyhow, as she's waxing away I choose to make conversation to try to take my mind off of what is going on...and the momentary pain. We were discussing age spots. She was telling me remedies she has tried to no avail. Towards the end of the conversation she asked me my age, I tell her. She then acts shocked and says I look more like 27. Love her. Then she asks if I have children. I say yes a 7 month old baby boy. She then asks me if I'm still breast feeding and points to my boobs. Funny. I immediately think is she asking me that because my boobs look like breast feeding boobs? What an odd question to ask someone. I don't know why I find that funny, but I do. On my way out to my car I start laughing to myself remembering this post I wrote a few years ago. If I were to tell you that I got a little more than I bargained for on this bikini wax you'll understand why I was thinking of that ancient post.

Why Can't We All Just Get Along???

2009-04-15T22:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I don't understand us crazy women. You would think that we are all grown ups...so why can't we just play nice. I have 4 sisters, 3 amazing sister in laws and a gazillion girlfriends who I 100% absolutely ADORE!! Basically, what I'm saying is.....I know chicks. I know we're all crazy. And, if you don't think you are...YOU ARE!! It's a good crazy, don't get me wrong. Today I was thinking that next month will be my very first Mother's Day. I know I didn't come across motherhood in the conventional way, but none the less, I am a Mother. What I don't understand and the reason for this post is.....why are there women out there that think just because you can get pregnant, that is the ONLY way for a woman to be a mother? I'm sure I don't need to remind everyone how I feel about this idiotic way of thinking. So, instead of going on one of my crazy tangents again....why can't us crazy women just get along? Why do we feel the need to continue to judge one another? We all know how difficult it is to be a mother....why does is matter how one came across motherhood...whether it was adoption, being a step mother, a foster mother etc etc.? Why do we have to beat each other up and tear each other down? Why can't we stop and think before we speak? Why can't we be more sensitive to one another's situations? I am just as guilty as everyone else on the judging, the "no filter on my mouth" sydrome, insensitivity etc. etc. I guess all of my mindless rambling comes down to this question: Why does it matter HOW you became a Mother? Seriously, does it really matter? In the long scheme of things, does it matter?

I Promise I Can Talk About Other Things Than Grady and Adoption...But, It's Not Gonna Be This Post

2009-04-07T12:26:00.000-07:00

I feel like I need to post again just so my "pissy rant" isn't the first post people (me) see anymore. Now just because I say that, does not mean that I regret one word of what I wrote....I don't. I just sound very angry, I was at the time. But, I'm all good now so I can't have that as the first thing I see when I pull up my blog. It gets me irritated every time. Seriously, the balls of some people!!

On to more happier things....

My Grady love is 7 months old now. I can't believe it! Where has the time gone? Every time I pull up his blog and see all of his very newborn pictures in the header and sidebar, I can't believe he was ever so small. His little personality is so cute and funny. The majority of the time he is very easy going. However, he is very stubborn already. I'm scared for what the future holds. My Simon is also very stubborn...so I've seen what my sister has had to deal with. I thought it was funny then, now I think that payback is gonna be hell (Have I mentioned lately how much I miss my Simon and Helene? At times it hurts. I still have a hard time looking at pictures of them....I'm pathetic, I know. I miss my sister too...it's still weird they aren't 20 minutes away). Now that he is full blown crawling (meaning no army crawl....full on crawling) he WILL get what he wants. It's very funny to watch. He says "da da da" all day long and on volume 10. People don't believe me because when we're out with friends he'll just sit and watch....but when it gets quiet or we're at home, he is LOUD!! He fits into our families very well. He is also already stronger than me. He beats me up on a regular basis. Brad thinks this so very funny. I'm afraid for the tantrum stages because his strength honestly freaks me out. Now for the mushy stuff....(Mary be prepared to throw up in your mouth)...I love being his Mom. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of his Rachel and love her more and more for the decision she made. I have a hard time wrapping my head around it still. Motherhood is all I thought it would be and more...so far. I feel more happy and more like me than I have in years. It's funny that my little boyfriend (Grady) fulfilled that in me.

BEWARE: A Very Pissy Rant

2009-04-02T23:24:00.000-07:00

Don't say I didn't warn you....I am very pissy. Your official warning is that I may or may not swear in this post. Who knows what will come spewing out of my fingers.... but, you've been warned and I don't wanna hear about it.

So, without giving too many details...how do I do this??

Let me just say that just because you know of someone (not even a good friend by any stretch of the imagination) or your best friends mother's uncle's niece adopted....DO NOT assume that you are an expert in adoption. DO NOT think that it is okay for you to give advice or offer sage wisdom on the topic either. You have zero idea what you are talking about! Do not, for one second, think that you know what a birth mother is looking for in an adoptive couple. You don't know! Most likely, she doesn't even really know until she finds THE ONE! Do not assume you should tell a perspective adoptive couple what they should include in their profile, what pictures should be shared or what they should look like. YOU HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA!!!! Just because you are shallow and straight up lame, does not mean that birth mothers are. Any little comment you say may or may not come across as criticism. And, they will remember FOREVER!! This is not my story to share....but oh my HOLY CRAP I am irked to the core!!! I cannot get it out of my head. Therefore, I blog.

What you should do is just LISTEN to your friend (I know, new concept huh?) . Tell her that "man, that sucks!", "I'm sorry you have to go through this, it must be so hard." etc etc. DO NOT say "that's so great you're adopting...its the latest fad!" cuz um....WTF? or "If you had more faith you would get pregnant." Again....WTF? or "You know, right when you start the paperwork or get a baby, you're gonna get pregnant." Oh really? Cuz you're God and you know? Or do you think that we just wanna hear that? Or does it make you feel better if you give us a "happily ever after" scenario? Guess what....we don't want to hear your condescending bull shit!!! Your intentions may be great (actually, I'm sure they are) but DO NOT SAY IT!!! Speaking from my own experience....I have my "happily ever after". That statement, to me, downplays how great adoption is. It quite frankly, bugs the living bejeezus outta me.

***late side note: this rant is in no way directed toward my family (immediate or extended) or many of my close friends who watched Bubba and I struggle with infertility the last 5 years. I'm not saying you're experts, but you at least know what our experience was like with our Rachel...you know that she did not "pick" us because of the way we looked. I like to think that because you know how hard it was for us not to get pregnant, then our decision to adopt and finally our miracle of Grady...you would be more sensitive to people you may come across who are going through a similar situation. Feel free to let them know our experience and how the pain is worth it in the end. Because, it really is.
***another side note: keep in mind...I'M PISSY!!! I do realize that its been a while since I've had such a "pissy" post, so you may not be accustomed to my "mouth" anymore. I would apologize, but right now I'm just not feelin' it.
***final side note: No, I am not PMSing. This is me genuinely ticked off.

Moving Is Hell!

2009-03-26T23:37:00.000-07:00

It's true, it is absolute hell. Hate very second of it. Good thing the moving fairy came and did about 90% of the packing. Why am I complaining then right? Because, that is what I do....bitch, bitch, bitch!! Well, we are here now...all moved in. Not unpacked, but we are all under one roof now with all of our crap-ola. Good times. And, yes, my Mom has been over everyday trying to help me unpack. But, we get sidetracked with things like the washing machine flooding and ruining my brand new carpet. And, then once that was under control the refrigerator springs a little more than a leak. Good times, good times. Ahhh...moving. Gotta love it.

Grady has done great through the transition, so I'm very happy about that. His sleeping habits went to crap when Brad was gone, but now they are back to normal. Praise Allah! It is nice to be back and close to family and friends. We are in the city that Brad and I met in, dated and spent the first 10 months of our marriage in. It's obviously different this time, but its nice to be back. We are a little homesick though. Which is weird. For years, So Cal was home. Now its...who knows where. It doesn't really matter as long as I'm with my little family.

I will say that I'm apprehensive to starting fresh here again. I'm referring to my new ward (to my non Mormon friends....this is what we call our congregation in our church. I realize that is sounds like a mental institution..sometimes I wonder if that is by accident) and new friends (hopefully). I was in my little bubble up North...everyone knew I am infertile and that Grady is adopted. Now I feel like I need to explain things to people. I know I don't have to and its not expected of me either. I know that nobody needs to know besides his pediatrician. But, how do I not? Adoption is a "dying art" here in America. How do I not let people know how truly amazing it is. How it has blessed my life tremendously. How I would not be a mother without it. How amazing birth mothers are. How it is not a negative thing. How these birth mothers CHOOSE to PLACE their babies in a family not GIVE THEM UP. I feel, as an adoptive mother, that this is my duty, my job. I WANT to educate people about adoption. If I could I would travel the country, the world educating people about adoption. My problem is my mouth. I have said time and time again that I have a problem getting my thoughts out my mouth coherently. I'm afraid that if someone says something to me that I feel is "stupid" or inappropriate, I will have a problem. I lack tact when someone takes me off guard. More than likely, I won't have a problem with anyone saying anything lame.......I just need to prepare myself...just in case. I'm afraid that if one person ticks me off with a stupid comment, then I will shut down and then nobody will want to ask me questions or talk to me about adoption. Somehow I will master telling someone to "go to hell" in my head, while smiling and acting as if all is well...oh, and not giving it away with my facial expression.

With all that being said (or typed)...I'm ready to do the paperwork for #2. That's how much I love adoption. Can't wait to do it again! I don't look forward to the lame ass paperwork, fingerprinting, home inspections, background checks, letters of recommendation, classes etc. etc. But, I'm excited for the adoption experience again. The whole process works and it is truly amazing. I know the majority of people don't get that...but it you've adopted you know what I mean. There is nothing like another woman choosing you to parent her child. It is a bond that not many get the privilege to know. It is crazy to me that I can look at Grady and have to remind myself that he did not come out of me and a split second before that I was thinking of his Rachel.....it doesn't make me sad, but instead makes me feel so lucky and blessed.

Are you ready for this???

2009-03-07T17:01:00.000-08:00

Brace yourself...........we're moving!! Back down to the So. Cal.!! Oh Snap! We found out Thursday that Brad got a job, that we thought he didn't get....he needs to be down there Monday...as in 2 days Monday. So, the baby whisperer/Mary Poppins is coming to take over. She says she's the moving fairy this time. We are overwhelmed with I don't know what! We are excited to be back down where we came from, but so sad to leave where we are now. We've been here for almost seven years!! We are established here. We have great friends here. It will be sad to say goodbye. And, I just realized that moving day happens to be right when PMS should be in full swing....lucky everyone. I'm a biatch when moving and it'll be worse now. And, I don't do good without my Bubba...having my Mom will make it better though. When I say don't do good, I mean don't do good. Like still cry when he leaves. Yep, married for 7, together for 10 and still cry when he leaves. Pathetic!! Promise to update soon. But, until then check out the IFC photo shoot here.

The Baby Whisperer

2009-02-05T15:40:00.000-08:00

I call my Mom the Baby Whisperer. She is coming to visit tomorrow for the weekend. Grady and I couldn't be more excited. Brad is going out of town for the weekend so my Mom is coming to hang out. Now you may be wondering why I call her the baby whisperer. You see, I think, my Mom inherited this uncanny ability to quiet any baby from my Grandpa...her dad. I will admit that I have an easy baby, but the last time she came for a visit I swear Grady did not cry one single time. He was all smiles and happiness. It was truly amazing. Right now I think Grady is teething....not so much fun. So, it'll be interesting to see the tricks my Mom has up her sleeve for this. When she comes, she takes over and I love it!! She plays with Grady and I might actually get some studying done!! Or, I'll play with Grady and she'll clean. She's Grady's baby whisperer but she is Mary Poppins to me. Lucky, lucky me!!

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G

2009-01-27T13:21:00.000-08:00

So, I don't remember if I have officially blogged about the IFC....and, quite frankly, I'm too lazy to look in my archives to figure it out for myself. I'm going to pretend that I haven't. The IFC is short for the Infertility Club. It has three members. Myself, Angela (in pic above with brand new baby) and Yannette (squatting in pic above). You may be asking yourself "why is Angela part of the IFC, she has a baby in her arms?" To answer that question I say, "she's still infertile she just needed chemical help." She had baby Alena on January 25th. I was so anxious that day it almost felt like I was waiting for Grady all over again. I'm starting to ramble...let me start from the beginning.

Angela, Yannette and I met at church. We instantly bonded when we found out that none of us could have children "naturally". We have cried together, laughed together, bitched together and laughed again together. Yannette blogged a few weeks ago that she calls us her "war buddies" and I'm gonna copy her. These two are my war buddies. I couldn't have hand picked two other amazing women to call my war buddies. Infertility sucks and infertility is hard. Nobody on this planet understands that more than these two chicks. It was such a relief for me to have found them. It was nice to not have to explain every single emotion I was feeling. Or to have to explain why I just wanted to hibernate during the holidays and Mother's Day. I loved not having to explain why I would get so ticked off when somebody would say or do something completely insensitive to my infertility issues. I would just relay what happened and they both completely GOT IT. Sometimes they would be even more ticked off than I was! It is awesome. Yannette and I adopted our babies. Angela continued to do infertility treatments and did the adoption paperwork at the same time. She got pregnant soon after her and her husband were "approved" to be an adoptive couple. When Angela told us she was pregnant....we all cried. When Yannette told Ang and I that they were picked by a birthmom...we cried. When I texted Ang and Yannette and told them we were picked by a birthmom....they screamed and cried. Previous to the announcement of pregnancy and being "picked"...we had all been through hell. For Ang, she experienced miscarriages. For Yannette, an adoption not going through. For me, we found out about Grady the day of my mother in law's funeral. It is crazy when I think back to just a little over a year ago.....we have come a very long way.

Sunday, January 25th was a momentous occasion for the IFC. All of us were mothers within one year....barely. Yannette's daughter, Kensley, turned one YESTERDAY!! Alena and Kensley ALMOST shared a birthday. How awesome is that? All day yesterday, Yannette and I were chomping at the bit to go see Ang at the hospital. But, we had to wait for the husbands to get done with work since babes aren't allowed to visit the wee ones. We celebrated Kensley's bday by eating pizza and yummy cupcakes. Then we were off to Babies R Us to do some last minute errands for Ang. Both Yannette and I were exhausted by the time we could go to the hospital, but we were giddy with excitement!! Yesterday was an awesome day. One that will go in the IFC history book as truly A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!

Angela and Alena

Alena Lauren- 6lbs. 4.2 ounces

Do These Stripes Make Me Look Fat?

2009-01-19T13:15:00.000-08:00

Isn't that the cutest? Look at those thighs! Don't ya just want to eat them? Me too. Truth be told he loves it when I "nibble" on his chunk. He laughs and laughs. Anyhoo, this is what I came home to the other night...G man all cuddled up next to his Daddy....his all time favorite sleep position. I came home from work and this is how they were. Too cute! Melt my little heart.

I realize I haven't updated in over a month...almost unheard of. I'm still getting accustomed to keeping a little guy alive. Once I think we have somewhat of a routine down he changes things up on me. For example, the last three night he apparently thinks its funny to wake up at midnight or so screaming his bloody head off. Then proceeds to think its time to play. What? Once I get him all cuddled up nice and good again, he's up three hours later. And, that's the game we play all night long. Fun huh? I tell him he's not allowed to do that once Mommy is use to getting her sleep again. I try to ground him, but it doesn't work. I tell him that it's bad manners to wake someone in the middle of the night, but he just doesn't seem to give a crap. Needless to say...I'm tired all over again. And, just to make matters even better...I start school tomorrow. If my little cub is up all night, I will cry. Grady cakes has also decided that he isn't fond of his carseat anymore. This makes going anywhere a TON of fun!! He is taking on a personality of his own and it is a cute one! I love when he hears my voice or sees me, his entire face lights up. It makes me think that I may be doing something right. He rolls over and is curious about everything. He loves to be sitting up so he can see what is going on. It makes going places when he should be napping interesting. Sometimes sleep wins but most of the time now, he needs to be checking everything out instead of sleeping. I do believe he is going to be all over the place before I know it!! I'm in trouble.

School is gonna BLOW this semester. I am only taking one class, microbiology. It is in the morning so Brad will be able to go into work later. He will get the pleasure of morning with the little Bubba. Morning is actually Grady's favorite. It is when he is happiest. So, Brad is looking forward to all the slobbery kisses I usually get to enjoy in the morning. I think it goes without saying, that I am feeling a little more than anxious about going back to school. Yes it is only one class...but its a hard one! School, studying, loving on Grady, being as nice a wife as I can, trying to keep the house clean, laundry done and working a few nights a week....gives me just a bit of anxiety just thinking about it all. It will take me a while to get into a new routine. As soon as I do get in a routine the semester will be done.

So, that is what has been up with me. I often get asked if motherhood is all that I thought it would be. The answer is....I didn't have any expectations. I didn't really know what to think and I've seen plenty of friends and family go through it so I had somewhat of an idea. I still love every second of it and I hope that I always will. Even when he's a teenager and inevitably hates me. This is a dream come true for me...even though he thinks its funny to wake up at all hours in the night.

Ummmm.....Excuse Me?

2008-12-11T18:49:00.000-08:00

I have been holding off telling on my sister, Kelly, until she "outted" herself on her own blog....she finally did, so now I get to say what I want!! SHE FREAKING UP AND MOVED!!! SHE TOOK MY SIM-O AND NEENEE AND MOVED!!!! In all fairness, Tyson gets just as much blame, but I am PISSED!!! It's been almost 3 weeks and I'm still not over it. It's difficult for me to wrap my head around it still. All I have to say is she took my SIM-O AND NEENEE away from ME!!! I'm not at all bitter....can you tell? Yes, everyday gets a little better....and then I see something that reminds me of them and it takes everything outta me not to get all teary eyed. I know I'm crazy. They are just my neice and nephew right? But, people...you need to understand that my Bubba and I have been around these two little people since the day they entered this world!! And, have seen them at least once a week since the day they entered this world!! And, now they're gone. Just like that....gone! I will move on and forgive Tyson and Kelly someday....hopefully that will happen sooner than later. It's not just the kids I miss...I miss my sister too. It's weird to not talk to her as often. It's weird to not have Sunday dinner with them. It sucks! All I know, is that she is damn lucky I have Grady now...cuz if I didn't...well, I would still be in bed crying. I should've known something was up when she showed up on Halloween with dark brown hair. I'm still convinced she colored her hair cuz she was sick of people saying she looked like me!!

On a better note....my sister, Julianne, is pregnant with #5!! Yup, numero 5!! That means I get to be an aunt again!! I love being auntie!!! It's almost as good as being mommy. She has 4 boys and I hope she has another boy. I would love it if she had a girl, but I wouldn't want to have 4 older brothers!! So, I hope she has a boy. But, if she has a girl....she'll be named after me (right Julianne?) Well, the middle name at least.

Also, my wittle Meppy is finished with radiation TOMORROW!!!! Wahooie for her! Now on to life as a normal 23 year old!! Which means....I dunno...I don't remember what it was like to be 23! My brain is fried and I can't remember what happened yesterday..let alone 11 years ago.

Since this has been an eventful day/month for my siblings...I'm waiting for my brother, Jimmy, to call and say his wife is pregnant or something...and for my sister, Shaunee, to call and say that her oldest son (15) has emancipated himself from his parents. Only in his dreams!! (Shaunee, that was a joke...its okay to laugh...I'm being funny....at least, I think I'm being funny and I can almost garuntee that if Mary is reading this right now she thinks I'm funny too...but, only because she thinks I'm an idiot, not cuz I'm really funny.)

Confessions

2008-12-03T16:26:00.000-08:00

I have many confessions to make, but most are none of anyone's business. So, here we go...another one of my crazy lists.

1- I'm not excited for Christmas. I know, I'm crazy! I have everything I've ever wanted and I'm still not excited for Christmas. This is what I've come up with: For the past five years I have dreaded the holiday season...its all about families and we were unable to start ours...turns into a big, fat pity party. So, I've conditioned myself to dread Christmas. Well, now I have my little family and I'm still not excited. Baby steps, I guess...I dunno. So, this is what I'm gonna do..go through the motions and hopefully the excitement will begin. By "motions", I mean, decorating, baking, parties, shopping etc. I'll let you know how it goes.

2- I'm a lazy sack of bones. I have confessed this several times on past posts, but let me tell you, it's on a whole new level now. My house is, a good portion of the time, a mess. My old routine when it was just my Bubba and me, doesn't work now that we are a family of three. I use to be able to do laundry maybe every week, but most of the time every two weeks. I would clean my whole house once a week in just a few hours. Groccery shopping, if Brad was lucky, happened every two weeks. And, if there was nothing to eat, we would go out...no big whoop! This no longer works AT ALL!! I'm lucky if my floors get swept and mopped every week! And for the laundry...Grady's gets done. Ours gets done when we have no more clothes or undies left. See, lazy sack of bones!! So, what have I done? Yannette introduced me to the Fly Lady. She tells me what to do and how to do it. Just what I need!! I've modified her way to fit with mine. I feel a lot better now!!

3- I haven't had a pedicure since August!! I know, what the hell?!?!? But, I finally got my eyebrows waxed for the first time since August last week! It was an ugly mess. Now I feel like I can go in public again and people aren't staring at the eyebrows!!

4- I no longer have a memory. At least, a short term memory. I have done above and beyond my normal quota of airhead moments. I'm almost worried about myself. Almost.

5- I've gotten Grady to sleep 10-12 hours at night by letting him sleep on his belly!! Gasp!! His belly!!

6- I've been having Grady sleep in his pak-n-play the majority of the time now. I tell Brad that he needs to get use to sleeping by himself and we need to start now. Grady could care less if he's sleeping with us or not. It is us who have a hard time with it!! Brad wants him in bed with us EVERY night. So, for the past five days Grady's been sleeping by himself and one of us is up at least every hour or two checking to make sure he's fine...he is, we're not! So, at 6am every morning Grady's still sound asleep and Brad moves him into bed with us so he can have some time with him before he goes to work. Funny huh? Like its quality time...he's asleep.

7- Now that Grady's a good sleeper....I can't sleep a straight eight hours. I find myself waking up every 3 hours still. And, once I get 6 hours of accumulative sleep in...I'm wide awake! So, there's been a few mornings when I'm wide awake at 4:45am! Again, what the hell??

There are more things to confesss, but I just noticed that I need to start getting ready to go to work. So, this may be continued...

Our First Family Photo

2008-11-12T16:49:00.001-08:00

Let me rephrase that...our first family photo outside of the hospital. It is still weird to see three of us. It is still weird that my newest perfume is baby puke. It is still weird that my clothes are slimed everyday with baby goop. It is still weird to wake up in the middle of the night and see Grady sleeping. It is still weird to be downstairs cleaning and to hear Brad upstairs with Grady making him laugh. It is still weird to be a Mom.

Were You Aware??...

2008-11-03T16:47:00.000-08:00

.....that November is National adoption month? Well, now you do!! I didn't even know there was such a thing until this past year. I have lots of thoughts going through my jumbled head about adoption and how truly my life has been blessed because of adoption. Without adoption and our Rachel, Bubba and I would not have our little family. So, with all of my emotions very much at the surface, the proper words escape me. So, please check out my sidebar for our "adoption story"....just in case you've forgotten.

In the meantime, check our this awesome chick. She lives in Utah and is an amazing source of information and inspiration for me. She will be posting something everyday this month on adoption. So make sure you check it!! Because of this chick (my cousin), I was introduced to the r house, and I'm forever grateful. Thank you Terrah!! And, because of this chick I was able to go through this process with her...laughing, crying, screaming, swearing and laughing. Her adoption will be finalized next Monday the 10th!!! We started this adoption process at the same time, have the same caseworker etc. I tell her all the time that I'm glad she did everything first so I could sit back and watch to see how it all works....very true to my nature...taking it all in and then going for it myself. Thanks Yannette!!

Hopefully someday this month I'll be able to put my thoughts into something coherent that you all can read. Until then.....

Happy Halloweener!!

2008-10-31T17:20:00.000-07:00

My two Bubba's...Big Bubba and Baby Bubba!!

Ahhh....my first Halloween as a Mom= priceless

7 YEARS!!

2008-10-27T17:24:00.000-07:00

Today is our SEVEN year anniversary!! Holy Moly!! Not a very great pic, but hey what can you do!! I'll spare you all the sappy post of how great of a husband and now father my Bubba is...wouldn't want to make anyone jealous! Happy Anniversary Bubba!! Love you more now than ever!!

Still Adjusting....Still A Mess

2008-10-24T18:09:00.000-07:00

My head is a jumbled mess....again! I don't know quite how to express it all nice and coherent...so I'm making a list. Gotta love the lists!!

1. Whatever happened to Friday and Saturday nights? They are just another night now. Sad.
2. When is Grady going to sleep for 8 hrs straight?
3. Is Grady where he is suppose to be developmentally? (I'm a worrier)
4. I understand now how marriages go in the "crapper" after kids. Not saying ours is in trouble, I just get it now.
5. Why is it that people are shocked when they find out that Brad stays home with Grady when I go to work? Why is that weird? Grady is his kid too for cryin out loud!!
6. "The Holidays" are quickly approaching. Not so excited.
7. Am I ever going to get my routine back? I feel good about my day if I get a shower in and the bottles washed.
8. When do you attempt to put your baby on a schedule? Do I really want a schedule?
9. I want Grady to feel better...he's got a cold.
10. I need a new wardrobe. I wish money grew on trees.
11. I loathe football season, but try to keep my shitty comments to myself. The Bubba loves it. And, I will admit, I do like it now because Brad will watch it with Grady and I can actually get things done!!
12. How do I think I'm going to go back to school next semester? I'm tired just thinking about it.
13. I think our caseworker is full of crap. I will not expand further on this...just irritated.
14. Monday is Bubba and mine 7 year anniversary! Holy crap! We've been together for 9 1/2 years!!
15. It is weird that its just not Bubba and me still. But, we LOVE our new addition!
16. Bubba is a total softy when it comes to the man cub. I'd hate to see him with a girl.
17. I need to be better about updating Grady's blog. The days just fly by now and I get nothing done.
18. I have the NEED to read a good book.
19. I NEED to see a GOOD movie at the theater. Its been forever since I've been to the movies.
20. I NEED a girls night out.
21. I NEED a Bubba night out more. Looks like Kelly will get her long awaited assignment of babysitting afterall.
22. I LOVE fall. But, what the hell is up with the weather? It was in the high 80's here yesterday! Does mother nature not know that it's the END of October? November is just around the corner!!

Aaaahhhh.....I feel better now. I got a good portion of the crap out!!

Just A Quickie

2008-10-15T00:29:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to thank the sister,Kelly, for updating my blog and for finishing Grady's blog. That's right people Grady has his very own blog!! She did an awsome job...like always. What did she do to my blog? Well, if you didn't notice...there is a new "headline" on the side bar titled The Adoption Story. She added a few past posts I have done over the last three years to remind me and all of you how far we have come. So, if you're bored or if you are new to this here blog...check it out.

Speaking of how far we've come....I'm reminded of a conversation Bubba and I had last night while bathing our little man cub. It went something like this:

Bubba: "Why didn't we have kids before this? This is so much fun."

Me: "Have you already forgotten the five years we tried, the clomid, the craziness...the EVERYTHING?"

Bubba: "Well, no. But, all of the sudden it all feels worth it now doesn't it? We wouldn't have gotten him if we didn't do all that."

Me: I turn my head to hide the teariness. "When you're right, you're right."

Baby Wait

2008-10-06T00:24:00.000-07:00

Yes, I mean baby wait and I do equate it to baby weight. Most new mom's have baby weight to lose...I have my baby wait to lose. Get it? I seriously didn't realize how chunkified I've gotten over the last few years. Until the crazy amounts of pictures that have been taken this past month shoved it in my face and there was no more denying it. I'm going to blame it on the stress of infertility drugs and just stress of waiting. I refuse to blame it on the love affair I have with food. Greasy food at that. So, now that my baby wait is over....it's time to lose the weight. The "muffin top" I've been sporting, isn't so cute. The five chins I now have isn't so sexy. I don't know what my plan is for the big lose, but it needs to be done. Crap.

On another note....I have to admit that when I'm out in public with Grady I do love the old ladies who tell me I look GREAT for JUST having a baby. I just smile politely and say "thanks"! A few weeks ago we were at Target...some lady asks me how old Grady is and I tell her. She then goes on to ask me how my delivery was and I laugh and say "it was soo easy!" She looked at me like I was from Mars and then said "wow, you're so lucky." I walked away laughing thinking I shouldn't let her think I'm superwoman, but its none of her business that I didn't actually deliver him. What she doesn't know, won't hurt. It's none of her beeswax anyway.

Just in case anyone forgot...Grady is one month old today (well, I guess technically it was yesterday the 5th, but since its 12:45am on the 6th, I shouldn't confuse anyone)..it has felt like we've always had him. Good thing we still like him.

And, I swear, his blog is coming soon....so stay tuned...you won't want to miss it!!

**About the pic...I know I look like a pile of crap-ola, but it was taken in the morning and I obviously hadn't gotten out of bed yet...Grady had the joy of smelling my morning death breath. Lucky kid!! He also enjoys staring at my sexy hot pj's....loves the colors!!

Frogs, Skulls & Monkeys...

2008-09-17T15:12:00.000-07:00

what more could a little guy ask for? I thought this picture was funny...absolutely no matchy-matchy going on here. I'm not saying it doesn't happen...he has the cutest frog onesie that is to die for cute, paired with the frog blanket....gives me all warm fuzzies inside. Anyhow....enjoy the bundle of cuteness!!

So, to update all of the inquiring minds... he is a fantabulous baby! He still rarely cries, he's a great sleeper & a great eater. We couldn't ask for a better baby. He wakes up about every 3 1/2 to 4 hours during the night....so we are getting great sleep!! We still go to bed really late..like 1am or 2am & it works well with Grady's eating & awake time schedule. He usually wakes up at 4am for food & then not again until 8am....see, not so bad!! We are still 100% totally smitten.

Stay tuned for Grady's own blog!! My sister is hard at work designing his very own blog. This is where the majority of pics and updates of Grady will be. So, if you're sick of me & just come here to get your fill of cute, you will soon get to bypass me and get only him for a change!! I'm not quite sure what I'll blog about...but I'm sure I'll come up with something to bitch about!!

There Are No Words....

2008-09-09T16:58:00.000-07:00

.....to describe what we are feeling and what we have felt over the last four days. We will always be eternally grateful to our gorgeous birthmom for this awesome gift that she has given us. Thank you is not enough. How do you thank someone for making our dream come true? Any suggestions? That's what I thought. We think of our birth mom all the time. And, again, there are no words. As I sit here crying typing this, Brad is on the couch cuddling with our Grady Bear just staring at him. We do this all the time. Stupid Bill O'Reilly is on the TV too and Brad's not even paying attention...AMAZING!!! It is because of our Rachel that he is able to do this. So, without further ado...look how DAMN cute he is!! Rachel grows very cute babies!!!

I took this picture of Brad snuggling with him early in the morning. Both of them were snoring. My heart is beyond full, it is overflowing.
This next one is Grady holding on for dear life to my hand while he was snoozing. He'd put it up to his cheek and freak the hell out if I tried to move. I know he's not the only newborn on earth to do that, but he's my only newborn.

And, before anyone asks...no you don't get any pics of myself and Grady...in every picture I look like a pile of doo. It'll happen someday...maybe.

Baby Mama - by Kelly, sister to the Mama

2008-09-05T09:24:00.000-07:00

*Lots of new pics toward the bottom of post!*

Holly and Bubba are now a Mommy and a Daddy!
After a LONG wait, Grady Floyd was born today, September 5th, 2008, at 1:50a.m.
Him's just a little guy, weighing in at 6 pounds 13 ounces, and is 19 inches long.

Grady is reported to have a little bit of blonde hair on his head, blonde eyebrows, and blonde eyelashes. (I know you can't really tell in the photo.) I told Holly this last Sunday when her and Bubba were at my house for Sunday dinner, that I thought it was pretty clear that this baby is definitely Brad's son because he was clearly getting a kick out of faking everyone out for the last three weeks. That is totally something that would entertain Brad; to irritate all the women in his life by saying, "Uhh... maybe today I'll be born. Nope. Wait. Maybe later sucker."

Apparently the hope at this point is for Holly, Brad and Grady to be able to go home together as a family on Saturday. (I HOPE this is the case, because I am more than ready to hold the little man!)

As an innocent bystander in Holly and Bubba's long wait for a child, I just want to say that baby Grady is an absolute miracle. Of course Grady is Holly and Brad's miracle, an absolute dream come true. But I have to say that it is a real blessing to me, and I'm sure to you, to be able to witness such a long anticipated event come to fruition.

Not only are Holly and I sisters, but I consider her to be one of my best friends. I have watched the pain involved with her and Brad's infertility and it absolutely broke my heart to watch their struggle over the last, I don't know, FIVE years. Holly and Brad finally have gotten their baby and I am humbled to have been able to stand by and watch this miracle unfold.

May Grady bring them much deserved joy and happiness for the forever to come.

UPDATE**
I will be adding pictures to this post as I get them from Holly and Brad...

UPDATE2- 10:55pm***
Well, I got to see Baby Grady tonight!! (I was a bit weepy for the first few minutes, but I know that all of YOU would have been too, so I'm trying not to feel bad about it.) He is, of course, even CUTER in person! He slept the ENTIRE time we were there and reportedly is not a cryer. (And as I witnessed, quite a good sleeper.) I was able to meet Rachel, Grady's Birthmom. She is absolutely great and I am so glad that I was able to meet her, hug her, and thank her in person for this amazing gift that she's given to Holly and Brad. (And to all the rest of their family and friends, for that matter.)

Holly and Brad both look really good considering their complete lack of sleep... The happiness definitely is showing. Rachel has signed all the papers and Holly and Brad are taking Grady home tomorrow, hopefully in the morning.

I hate to make all of you jealous, but I am SO glad that I live close and am able to be a bystander on such a miraculous, beautiful day. Grady is the CUTEST and I look forward to every. single. time that I get to babysit him!!

Now, I hope you don't mind that I'm about to bombard you with about one million tons of cute!

Just The Two of Us??

2008-09-04T12:45:00.000-07:00

Well, we thought yesterday was our last night as just Brad & Holly. So, we spent the ENTIRE day together....running errands, cleaning, getting re-certified in CPR and of course our last meal as just the two of us. Our birthmom was instructed to call the hospital today at 6:30am to see if there was a bed available so she could be induced today....but, true to our luck (meaning mine & Brad's luck), there is "no room at the inn". At least yet. Supposedly, the nurse will call her as soon as a bed becomes available. How bugged am I? Pretty bugged. But, I'm not suprised at all....I'm at least accustomed to "our luck". So, we will have another day thinking its the last day of just the two of us. Which brings me to my thought all day yesterday: How weird is that? Knowing that its no more just going to be us. It's been just us as a married couple for almost 7 years, and 9 1/2 years since we met and started dating. It's just weird. No other word, just weird.

People have asked about names....we don't have one for sure, but his middle name will be Floyd. That's right Floyd. Brad's grandpa's name was Floyd and he was also adopted. More importantly, Brad was very close to his grandpa and has ALWAYS wanted to name his son after him. It brings tears to my eyes knowing how much this means to him. I was also very close with my grandpa, and there is nothing like the love of a grandparent...especially a grandpa. On a side note: Brad's grandpa's birthday is this coming Saturday...Sept. 6th....how fitting huh?
I've also been asked about a baby shower....no, we haven't had one yet. I won't have one until after the baby is here. So, probably in a few weeks.
I've been asked if we're registered anywhere.....yes, Babies-r-Us and Target.

I think I've answered all the questions.....I'll try to con my sister Kelly into updating my blog so y'all know when it actually happens. Pretty please Kelly? You already know my passwords....

For The Love!!!

2008-08-27T13:57:00.000-07:00

Still no baby. Aaarrgh (that's me mad)!! Anyhow, I'm not going to again say how completely insane I am....let's just say that Brad told me yesterday that I was "almost clomid crazy!" For anyone that has been reading my blog the last three years, knows that those are some fightin words!! Problem is, he's right!! The only difference is that I am not crying at the drop of a hat....I am just 100% irrationally bitchy!! Don't even think of looking at me crosseyed cuz I will gouge out your eyes with a toothpick!! I'm so grumpy my sister, Kelly, doesn't even call me without texting me first to gauge my mood...apparently I'm not fun right now. And, I've noticed that when she does call, she has the tone of voice of: don'tripmyheadoffIwasjustcallingtoborrowacupofsugar voice. You know the voice...the one where they are literally walking on eggshells. I don't blame her though. And, then there's wittle meppy. I talk to her almost everyday too. Most of the time its texting and occasionally a phone call. Like when she tells me she hurts so bad she can feel it in her bones. Yuck! She just laughs her ass off at me! She at least still thinks its funny.

Anyhow, we are ready for this to happen. When we don't hear from our birthmom for a few days, I start panicking. I start thinking...I know she had the baby, changed her mind and doesn't want to tell us. This is a reality that most normal people do not have to go through. But, it is very real for those of us who adopt. And (here's where the bitch in me will come out...I apologize if I offend you...I just don't have any tact) please don't try to equate my feelings of "what if she changes her mind" to miscarriage or still birth. Both of those are in their own category as tragic and shouldn't be related to the other either. Obviously when you are adopting, most adoptive couples have already gone through the fertiliy treatments, tests, being pregnant then miscarrying etc. Most adoptive couples have waited what feels like an eternity to begin their family. They have already dealt with the fact that their bodies have failed them time and time again. So, when a birth mom changes her mind, it is more than a massive blow to the gut.

Now with that depressing paragragh I should let you all know that no, I don't think she's gonna change her mind. Brad doesn't think she will either. He absolutely hates it when I start doubting. She has never said or done anything to make me believe that she will, but it is always in the back of my mind that it could happen. I know in my heart that she won't, but try telling that to my brain. So, yes I finally know what it is like to wait....even though I've been waiting for five years, this is different. There is nothing that anyone can say or do to make that thought in the back of my mind go away.

Way Past Crazy

2008-08-22T16:11:00.000-07:00

I am way past crazy, I'm now officially insane!! This waiting totally blows! Obviously no baby yet. I laugh cuz he isn't even "due" until next tuesday. See, I wish I never even knew about last Saturday. I could've been going on with my week like no biggie....but that's not the way its playing out. I keep telling myself that the longer he cooks, the better. But, today that's just not working. I woke up totally pissy today. And, I have a confession to make...I didn't even get my ass outta bed til 12:45pm today! Insanity, I know. Who does that? Me. I still got out of bed with my grumpy pants on. Brad and his dad brought me lunch and I was still pissy. So, I put myself into "time out"...I went shopping. That didn't even help. I found nothing that I wanted and that is totally unheard of. I came home, went to the bathroom and lo and behold, the reason for the bitchiness....."aunt flow" decided to show up for a visit. No wonder the bitchiness is intesified. Don't get me wrong...the waiting made me crazy, but the period is what put me into clinically insane!!

Nada

2008-08-18T15:41:00.000-07:00

Still no baby. This is driving me CRAZY!! I wish she never would've called us on Saturday now. We are both completely on edge...me more so...its just in my nature. We are literally just waiting for the blasted call. Again. I'm having trouble sleeping through the night and anytime the phone rings we both jump...I just jump higher. I called my work on Sat. and told them we may be having a baby that weekend so my office manager went ahead and covered all of my shifts for the month. At first, I though "cool, now I can get some stuff done around the house." Now I may be calling her and begging to come back just to keep my mind off of it. But, who am I kidding? I'd still be going crazy. The suspense may literally kill me.

Let's Try That Again Please!

2008-08-16T20:32:00.000-07:00

Well, we got a phone call at 7:45am telling us that our birth mom was in labor and at the hospital. My words to Nana (her grandma)were "Holy Crap!" She giggled and said she was only dilated to a one and would call us in an hour and let us know if she was progressing. I tried my damndest to go back to sleep, but couldn't. I decided to get up and take a shower before Nana called us back...when I got out of the shower Bubba was actually up and out of bed CLEANING!!! Let's just say he had some nervous energy to burn. Nana called back and said she was still at a one, so she was going to go for a walk and they would call us in a few more hours. LONGEST TWO HOURS E.V.E.R.!!! Birth mom actually called back and said she hadn't progressed anymore so they were sending her home. She then went on to tell me that her contractions were very strong, painful and very close together and that it would probably happen today or tonight. I asked her what she wanted us to do and she invited us to "hang out" for a while with her and her family and maybe it would happen while we were there. As the nice, dutiful adoptive couple we are, we complied with our gorgeous birth mom's wishes. We drove our 1 1/2 hours and spent the afternoon getting to know our birth mom and her family a little bit better. She took us to the hospital and showed us around so we would know where we were going. As we said our goodbyes, she started having contractions again. So, who knows...maybe the next time I blog I'll actually be a MOMMY!!!

The Worst/Best Week of My Life

2008-08-06T21:38:00.000-07:00

Where do I begin? The last few weeks have been a serious whirlwind. It started on my little NeNee's 4th birthday....July 19th. After a fun time with them we headed on home so I could nap before going to work that night. At 5pm Brad got a call from his dad in Wyoming telling him that his step mom was killed in a motorcycle accident. Brad left that night (Sat.) for Wyoming. I got there on Wednesday, the day of her funeral, at 4am. At 9am that morning we got a call from our adoption caseworker letting us know that a birth mom wanted to meet us. Holy Crap!! What? Then, two days later my sister Mary was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma. Again....what?? Keep in mind this was all in one week. My life is anything BUT dramatic, simply cuz I don't deal well with dramatic. Then three life altering things all at once!!

Brad's dad is doing pretty well considering the circumstances. He is ecstatic about the prospect of being a first time grandfather to two little boys in one week. Brad's sister is due on August 20th and our birth mom is due on August 26th. He only wishes his wife was here to enjoy it with him. Brad is doing well with the death of his step mom, Vicki, as well. His dad and Vicki were married for 26 years and Brad was her favorite. Brad loved her very much so the funeral was pretty tough for him. When we talk about our baby now he gets bummed knowing that Vicki won't be here to enjoy him and to be grandma to him. His dad and Vicki went to Africa last year, so his dad printed out a bunch of pictures of Vicki holding lion cubs so we could put them in the nursery. She would so love that! I miss Vicki already. Wyoming wasn't the same without her there. Thanksgiving won't be the same without her. This is the one holiday his dad gets with all the kids and Vicki and I usually cook Thanksgiving dinner together. I don't think I'll be able to do it without her. Vicki had the most gorgeous smile ever and her laughter was contagious....this is what I'll miss the most.

We met our birth mom the day after we got home from Wyoming:) We are so very excited, overwhelmed and freaked out at the same time. Our birth mom is due on August 26th and she is having a boy....OUR son. Words simply cannot express the emotions that we are both feeling about this. Just for the record...that's three weeks away!! We have been running around trying to get as prepared as possible. We bought the stroller/ car seat combo thingy today. We now have diapers, bottles, formula and a few onesies and blankets to get us by for the first few days. My friends are throwing me a baby shower after the baby is here, so we have enough stuff until then. All of this is just so weird...and it hasn't quite sunk in yet. Brad is seriously giddy about the baby. He tells EVERYONE!! It is really cool for me to see him like this cuz he doesn't get openly excited about much. But, he is seriously GIDDY. We're talking perma grin giddy. I love it.

As for my little Meppy. Well, what can I say? My heart would be broken if it weren't for the baby on the way. Our baby is a big blessing right now for both of our families. We need this "light" at the end of the tunnel right now. If I could have cancer so my sister wouldn't, I would do it without hesitation. She's only 22 years old and I remember everything about her childhood. I remember when my parents told all of us my mom was pregnant and I remember the day she was born. I remember she was only a few weeks old when my family went to see "Rocky IV" at the theater. I remember the sleeper she wore her first Christmas. I remember all that crap. I know my sister will be fine, she's not gonna croak or anything. It just sucks she has to go through this. I wish I lived closer to her just so I could see with my own eyes that she was okay. Sometimes I think my mom sugar coats things so we don't get upset. She has a long 6 months ahead of her, but she'll be fine. It will suck, but she will be fine. I'm hoping her doctor will let her be around a newborn so I can be with her during one of her chemo treatments. She'll have the same hairdo as a newborn at least....bald. Just kidding Mary...you needed to laugh. And, for those of you who think I'm evil for the cancer joke...get over yourself...everyone needs a good laugh...laughter is the best medicine after all. And, that's how my family deals with things...we can't be serious, always gotta be cracking jokes.

As you can tell its been crazy in my world. Lots of different emotions. Like I said, I don't do drama...I seriously don't do well. But, I know that things will not be the same ever again in my world. So, I'm trying to wrap my ahead around that.....it'll take me a while to process it all.

Once Again.....I Got Tagged

2008-07-18T22:24:00.000-07:00

**I updated this post....just added some explanation. I was going to do it originally but we were in a hurry to get out the door to see the new Batman movie.

I got tagged. I usually don't do these....unless I like you A LOT. So, I threw a spin on it and asked Bubba the questions. I like to test him to see how well he really knows me. He knows me better than I know me. So here it is:

How To Play This Game of Tag: Post these rules on your blog. List: 3 joys, 3 fears, 3 goals, 3 current obsessions/collections, 3 random surprising facts about yourself. Tag 5 people at the end of your post by leaving their names. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog!

3 Joys:
1- Sleep
2- Coke
3- Bubba

3 Fears:
1- Snakes
2- Bears
3- Our kid won't sleep through the night

3 Goals:
1- Graduate from Nursing School.....someday
2- Get a kid
3- Stop beating Bubba

3 Obsessions:
1- Coke
2- Sleep
3- Pooping. He thinks I'm obsessed with pooping because it is a rare event for me and when I finally do go he calls is "going to war" because I'm in the bathroom FOREVER!! I also give him a play by play by texting him while I'm donating my insides to the toilet bowl. He's my favorite to text or call while dumping....well, him and Mary. They both hate it and I think I'm funny.

3 Random Facts:
1- I can run faster backwards than I can forwards. When I played basketball in High School I always got "lapped" when we had to run. But then the coach would blow her whistle and we would have to switch to running backwards...I would catch up with everyone then and sometimes even "lap" them. Bubba thinks this is hilarious, but I don't think he really believes me. He always wants to watch me run backwards and I won't give in to his silly games.
2- I shot a gun once and screamed...more importantly survived. Bubba thinks this is hilarious. When we were engaged we went to his dad's in Wyoming....I was trying to be tough in front of his dad, so when his dad handed me a gun to shoot, brad almost pissed himself. I acted cool the whole time until I pulled the trigger and screamed.
3- I don't like fruit (this includes jelly and Bubba thinks I'm weird for it....he's one to talk) or vegetables

I tag anyone who wants to do this. But, I would love to see this from the IFC, my cousins, my BFF from High School, the PGC and Squatty.

This I Believe

2008-06-29T16:15:00.000-07:00

Last semester I took a College Writing English class. One of our assignments was to write a 100 word essay that began with I believe.... and submit it to NPR for an essay contest. I wrote mine on vacation....I believe everyone deserves a vacation. I pussed out on what I really wanted to write about. I was soo wanting to write about adoption. I feel that it is my duty to educate people on adoption. I hate that adoption, to some people, has a negative stigma. It is so not that way.

I don't blame people for being ignorant to adoption, because quite frankly, so was I. When Brad and I were given the awesome diagnosis of unexplained infertility, I wasn't too surprised. I always knew deep down that I would not be a mother the normal way. We did the majority of the infertility treatments that made me into an insane freak....they obviously didn't work. I still remember the morning I woke up and all the sudden my world was bright and sunny again. Just like that, I knew that we were to adopt to start our long awaited family. I have never felt such peace before in my life and I haven't looked back since. It wasn't a hard sale to Brad. I knew he wanted to adopt when we were dating. It was never an issue for him. When I finally told him I was ready, his exact words were "It's about time!"

So this is how I would start my essay: I believe that adoption is the way that my husband and I are to begin our family. And, I couldn't be more excited about it. I believe that just because you can get pregnant, doesn't make you a good mother. I believe that if you are in a situation where you know that you can't provide the life you would like for the child that you are carrying, there is another option for you besides abortion. It is the miracle of adoption.

That is just the beginning. I would write well over the limit of 100 words. People need to understand that these mothers who place their child for adoption, not give them up for adoption, are doing a very selfless act. They are choosing a better life for their child. A life where they are wanted, will be loved and well taken care of. A life where there is a mother and a father who will be able to care for them and love them. These birth moms are taking themselves out of the equation and thinking of what is best for their child. To me, that is love. There is nothing negative about it and nothing to be ashamed of.

Brad and I pray for our future birth mom every night. We pray that she will have the strength and the courage to make a very tough decision. We pray that she will be comforted and that she will have peace with the decision that she is faced with. We pray that we will know and she will know that she is our birth mom. We thank God for her every night, and we don't even know who she is yet.

Back In A Groove

2008-06-26T18:17:00.000-07:00

I have now finished my third week of summer semester....five more to go. Jealous? Waking up is a wee bit easier. My "morning sickness" has somewhat subsided. I still wake up in an ultra bitchy mood though. I wake up at 7:15am instead of 6:30am like I should. I literally get out of bed, pee, brush my teeth, wash my face, get dressed and go. That's right Mary, NO shower!! Did you just barf in your mouth? You see people, Mary (and I would link to her here, but she went private- loser!) is my youngest sister and she is seriously OCD about showering. She literally showers at the very least TWICE a day. I know this cuz she lived with the Bubba and I for two years. I tease her that she showers so much cuz she has a stinky peekachoo.......now that's funny Mary...laugh (I am, out loud too)!! Anyhow, back to me not showering.....I just don't shower before class. Luckily for the rest of mankind, I go to work a few hours after my class so I find it in my napping schedule to shower before work. But, those other two days.....well, if I find the energy to get my lazy ass in the shower...well, that's a good day. As far as I'm concerned I'm doing good to make it to class on time at 8am. I'm not trying to impress anyone there, so who gives a crap, right? And, just for the record....I've been on time EVERY DAY!! Shocking, I know.

Not Quite Sure....

2008-06-19T17:58:00.000-07:00

what I want to say today. I really don't have anything of importance to say. So, this will be interesting to see what spews from my brain. The two things that have occupied my thoughts the past couple of weeks have been: half of my summer chemistry course (drama) and the other half everything to do with adopting. Which isn't very strange but it is. I only think its strange cuz I'm thinking more and more about it. Hmmmm......sometimes I think I'm thinking more about it because I don't want to think about anything to do with chemistry and adoption stuff makes me happy and excited. Anyhow, chemistry bites. I am not a fan. I had my first test today and I have no clue how I did. I'll be stressed until I find out.

I have 30 Minute Meals on while I blog.....mindless stuff. I love this program though. All the recipes I've tried from Rachel Ray are good and easy to make. Which brings me to another thought......I know that people acutally sit down and eat their meals at a table...but do most people do the full on decorated table? I mean the pretty coordinating plates, glasses, place mats etc. with each dish in a nice coordinatined pretty bowl or dish. Or do real people actually eat on whatever plates and glasses are easiest to reach with the meal still in the pots and pans? Does that make sense? Basically, just picture a nicely decorated table in the Pottery Barn catalog or the magazine Better Homes and Gardens. Is this how most people eat their meals? Candles burning and all? I would love to be that woman that had the perfect everything, but that is just not me. I'm a bit of a scattered mess. I wonder if that's what my Bubba loves about me? I would love to eat at a table every night, but that's just not the way we roll. Brad and I are lucky if we see each other before 10pm most nights. It is rare if we eat a meal together during the week. He also isn't a fan of eating at the table.....that will change when we have kids. We get to eat at a table usually on Sunday when we eat with Kelly and clan. Kelly and I try to rotate Sunday Dinner. I LOVE Sunday dinner. It is usually a big meal and we tend to go all out....not all of the time but most of the time. She makes it one week and I make it the other. I love it that we do this. Ever since our mom moved a few years ago, we've been pretty diligent in keeping the tradition going. Anyhow, besides Sunday dinner or eating out, that's pretty much the only time we eat at an actual table. I can't wait until we do it all the time!!

For not having anything to say, I think I've said enough. Just another little glimpse into my scattered brain.

Death By Morning

2008-06-10T15:19:00.000-07:00

I hate mornings. Honestly. I have blogged about this countless times, but they honestly make me literally sick....nausea, headache and diarrhea. Summer semester started yesterday and already it feels like its been ten years. Again, I H.A.T.E. mornings. Class starts at 8am. I know boo hoo, but that is early for me. That means I'm up around 6:30am. I didn't know there was two 6:30's in a day. Class is Mon-Thurs= zero sleeping in for me. Last night was rough for me. I'm still on my night owl schedule, so I was wide awake at 2am, despite getting up early that morning and working a 9 hour shift last night. This morning was not pretty. I woke up very bitchy. In fact, I don't think I've spoken all day and its 3:25pm. I take that back, I did call my sister, Kelly, to see how my Helene did at her first day of pre-school. Even in that conversation I just called to get that one fact and that was the end of our chat. She could tell I wasn't into shooting the breeze. Hopefully, I'll get use to my new schedule very soon.

Overdue Picture Time

2008-05-31T20:03:00.001-07:00

This is Lake Tahoe. We went here on Mother's Day and went to my favorite burger joint. This was taken out of the car while we were driving by...not too bad. You can still tell how gorgeous it is there though. Three years ago we were certified as scuba divers and this is the bay we did our certification in.
My nephew Cooper and I. I love his chunky thighs. I have another picture of him with his shorts on and cowboy boots.....apparently the boots were so he could get on all the rides at Disneyland.
My nephew, Chase and I. He is a funny kid. And so dang cute!!

These are my sister, Julianne's kids. I'm holding Cooper (3), Christian (8) is holding Colby (10mos) and Chase (6) is sitting next to Brad. Very cute boys all with very funny personalities. Hopefully, Julianne doesn't care that I'm putting her kids mugs on the internet:) This was taken in April. Up to this point I hadn't seen her or her kids in 3 years. Sad huh?

The Bubba and I at the end of a Dodger game in April. Our nephew, Ryan, got baptized so we went down to So. Cal for the festivites. The Dodger Game was our FFO (fun family outing).

These are two of our nephews Tyler and Kyle. We went to the Dodger game one night. Took Tyler a while to love me, but he came around. These are Brad's Step brother, Shaun's kids.

This is my bubba with my Sim-o. This was actually taken on Kelly's b-day....at the end of February. I love this pic of them. Shows how much fun Simon has with Unco Bwad. Sim-o always is laughing and smiling when he gets to play on the human jungle gym.

Well, that's it for my latest pics. Not too crazy but I always say I'll post pics later and never do. Now I can say I actually did it for a change.

De-Fogging

2008-05-28T19:49:00.000-07:00

Finals are over...as of last week. Wahooie!! What have I been doing? Working. I've had one day off since last Monday. I'm pooped. Anyhow, enough whining. The good thing about zero school for a few weeks, is that I get to read what I WANT TO!! The book I'm reading now (actually just finished) is Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picoult. I'm one of those freaks that highlight passages that I cannot get out of my head. As everyone knows I think a lot about motherhood and what I think it may be like or feel like. Anyhow, here's a few that I love:

"When you're pregnant, you can think of nothing but having your own body to yourself again; yet after giving birth you realize that the biggest part of you is now somehow external, subject to all sorts of dangers and disappearance, so you spend the rest of your life trying to figure out how to keep her close enough for comfort. That's the strange thing about being a mother; Until you have baby, you don't even realize how much you were missing one."

"Sometimes parents don't find what they're looking for in their child, so they plant seeds for what they'd like to grow there instead. I've witnessed this with the former hockey player who takes his son out to skate before he can even walk. Or in the mother who gave up her ballet dreams when she married, but now scrapes her daughter's hair into a bun and watches from the wings of the stage. We are not, as you'd expect, orchestrating their lives; we are not even trying for a second chance. We're hoping that if this one thing takes root, it might take up enough light and space to keep something else from developing in our children: the disappointment we've already lived."

I love both of those. I've read them a million times, even read them to Bubba....he of course laughed at me. Okay....enough of the sap.

Ahhh....Mother's Day

2008-05-12T21:16:00.000-07:00

So many thoughts have gone through my head about this oh so bittersweet day for me. This year actually took me by surprise because I had no melt down. Halle-freakin-lujah!! I know I will be a mom...someday. But, because I know this doesn't mean that it makes mother's day any easier. So with that here are my scattered random thoughts throughout the day:

1- I am very thankful that I have a family that supports our decision of adoption. My side and Brad's side of the family are very excited. I am so happy that they are just as excited as we are.
2- Just because I choose not to go to church on Mother's Day, does not make me a heathen or ungrateful. I choose not to go to church on this lovely day because I do not need to have it rubbed in my face that I cannot have children. I do not need to be reminded, I live it EVERYDAY. I also choose not to go to church on this day because I do not want to take any happiness out of it for others. Everyone in our church knows we are adopting and I don't need people to feel sorry for me or to watch what they say around me. I know I should go to church on this day because....actually I can't come up with one thing. So, for those that feel that I should've gone to church well, you can, quite frankly, shove it where the sun don't shine.
3- I am very thankful that I have a husband who gets me. I didn't even have to remind him of the dreaded day. He planned a day trip for us up to Lake Tahoe and we did everything I wanted to do. Gotta love my Bubba!!
4- When I am blessed to be a mother, I hope I am just as great of a mom as my sisters are. So here is my tribute to my sisters:
Shaunee- She is a mother of three. She has been a mom as long as I can remember. Wierd, I know, since we're only 15 mos. apart. But, she has been bossing me around FOREVER! Just kiddin. She was just training to be a mom. Her oldest child will be 15 in two months...HOLY CRAP! Anyhow, she and her hubby talk to him about EVERYTHING! I love this about her. They actually talk to him about sex. This is unheard of in our family. As far as our parents are concerned they still don't think I've had sex....we never got "the talk" and there's no proof that I've had it (ha ha..I'm funny). I learned all sex related things from my lovely sister. She even told me how to use a tampon. My mom wasn't into discussing things about our bodies. Anyhow, I love that she has these talks with him and I hope I can be just as open with my future kids.

Julianne- She has four crazy boys. She is 1 1/2 years younger than me. Even though she has four boys, she still leaves her house everyday. I don't know how she does it. She has something planned at all times. I think it is just to keep them entertained enough so they don't kill each other. She is also very patient. I don't think I've ever heard her yell at them, its crazy.

Kelly- She is 3 1/2 years younger than me and a mother of two. I love how she sticks to her rules with them and puts the smackdown on others who do not enforce her rules when they are with her children. (Does that make sense?) If you don't follow the same rules, you don't get the privilege to be with her children. And, let me tell you that it is a privilege. Those are her two precious commodities and she protects them at all times.

5- I love that Brad and I can talk about baby names now without having the feeling that I may throw up.
6- I love that my friend, The Mayor, is a mom. She adopted her very cute baby girl in January. Watching her go through this process has been awesome and makes me even more excited for it to be my turn. I also love that she gets everything I say and feel.
7- I love the IFC. There is only three of us and they are on my top two favorite people up here in No. Cal.

I really hope that everyone had a very happy Mother's Day. And, just for the record, I really do mean that (despite my rant/rage on #2).

The Older, New Me

2008-05-05T13:11:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned that I started wearing make-up? I know most of you are thinking "so what?", well its a big deal for me. I usually only wear mascara and lipstick...now I wear that mineral make-up stuff, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara and lipstick. This is a very bid deal for me. Now it takes me about 45 mins to an hour to get ready and that is entirely too long. "Why do it?" you ask. Well, I have so many brown spots on my face, I feel like I've been takin over. Its not pretty. I also now have dark bags under my eyes too. Not pretty. So, now I wear make up...I'm growing up. I still don't wear it everyday cuz I'm lazy. Now since I can cover up my ugliness, does that mean I can bask in the sun once again? I haven't worshipped the sun in a few years cuz these things keep popping up on my face, but now that I have remedy for them....hmmmm. I should also mention that even if I put 30 on my face, I still get those damn spots! If I only knew what was going to happen to my face in my 20's......I wouldn't have had unprotected sun, I'll tell you that much.

The Power of The Ta Ta's

2008-04-30T20:57:00.000-07:00

So, you can tell by the title of this post that if you're easily offended...this may not be the post for you. You see, I've noticed that I have been "editing" myself lately because I have a lot more friends and family in my real life that actually read my blog now. Because of this, I have toned it down a bit compared to when I first started blogging. I don't like that I do that. This is me. Like it or leave it. Or should I say love it or leave it. I don't want to hear about it if I have offended you in anyway, cuz quite frankly I don't give a damn. This is my blog and I will say what I want to say with no filter. So, with that, if you think I've been crude with earlier posts (about the last 6 mos. or so) this is not the post you should read. Consider yourself warned. Again, I don't want to hear about it if you think I'm a horrible person because you decided to go on reading when I have clearly warned you.

Now with that out of the way, the story will be very anti-climatic. Sorry.

On Monday I went to return all of the books I have checked out at the library at my school. Six of my nine books were well over 30 days late. This really shouldn't shock anyone....I'm (what Brad would call) a slapdick. Don't ask me what this means..I don't know. But, in this case I think it would mean lazy. The total late fees were a little over $100!! Horror of horrors...Brad was gonna kill me! The boy who I handed my books over to, told me the total and I thought he was gonna cry for me. I literally watched his eyes go to my ample size rack, then said "let me see what I can do." I just stared, stunned. This hasn't happened to me in ages. Probably since I was engaged. It seemed that since Bubba placed that ring on my finger, it was like kriptonite to the boys. Anyhow, he click, clicked away on the computer and then said "your total is $28. But, please keep it between us." He says this while staring unabashedly at my tits. Shocked, I say "Wow, really? Thanks." And, hand him my money. I must say that normally I would never accept this type of behavior; I have been known to get up into many a male face and made them feel like the asses that they are. But, I was desparate. Bubba seriously would have been not so happy with me. I also will admit that I secretly liked it. It had been a long time since any male other than my Bubba that has paid any attention to me...even if it was just for my rack. If it wasn't for my boobs I never would have gotten $80+ taken off my library bill. He certainly wasn't impressed with my age spot infested face. After I walked out of the library I called Bubba. He laughed and said "good job." And yes, I told him that it was because of my boobs that I didn't have to pay over $100 smackers. He doesn't care about that stuff...he's not the jealous type. He also knows I can hold my own when it comes to googling lads.

Now, on a more serious note. I am sooo very happy that April is done and over with. School and work almost killed me. Okay, not really, but I was one stressed out bitch. So stressed my neck flared up again for 2 weeks. It was horrible! I could barely turn my head. I permanently had one of those therma care patches on my neck/shoulder. Anyhow, I'm glad the month is done. Five papers and three midterms later, I can now relax. Three more weeks and the semester is over...wahoo. Summer term starts beginning of June and I'll be taking Chemistry. Not happy about that at all. I just need to get it over with.

The Randomness

2008-04-17T23:20:00.000-07:00

Random thoughts going through my mind:

1- So glad that Christy Cook got the boot from American Idol. She bugged me almost as much as Brooke White does. If I close my eyes, Brooke is good. There's just something about her that I CANNOT stand. Maybe its cuz she's so cutesy, bubble gumy....I don't know.
2- Way too many young girls are coming into my work with STD's this week. It is very depressing. I'm talking ages 16-20. I so do not want a girl.
3- I love blogging. It is the best and laziest way for me to keep up with all my friends and family. I haven't seen or talked to many in ages, but I feel like I know everything going on in their life cuz of blogging. Its great!
4- I got to see 10 of my nephews and 2 nieces this past weekend. 6 nephews and 2 nieces on Brad's side of the family and 4 nephews on my side of the family. Man, I wish I could see them more often. All of them are so cute and oh so funny. I'll have to post pictures later. My sister, Julianne, had her last baby in July last year and I got to see him for the first time this past weekend. His name is Colby and he looks like me. I no longer need to wonder what my biological children would look like if I could have them. Colby seriously looks like me. Which is funny, cuz Julianne and I look nothing alike. She has dark hair, brown eyes and has an olive complexion. I'm the exact opposite of that. People say that the only thing that is similar on us is our smile. Which is a good thing cuz I think she has a pretty smile.
5- I miss my PGC. The PGC are my girlfriends in So. Cal. I miss hanging out with all of them. If only....
6- Bubba bought me a 2004 silver Volvo S60....and I love it! I want to drive all the time now.
7- My period is 5 days early this month! Crap! It was a week late last month. What the hell?
8- I'm dreading taking Chemistry this summer.
9- I'm hungry.
10- I need a Coke.

Maybe I'll be able to go to sleep now. But, I seriously want a Coke. I'll probably end up dreaming about it now.

Organization

2008-04-03T20:16:00.000-07:00

Anyone want to come organize my life for me? I can't seem to do it and Bubba just doesn't care. I have issues. I can't seem to be the nice little wifey that I feel I need to be (again, Bubba doesn't care....at least he says he doesn't), go to school and get everything done in a "timely manner" and work a whopping 20-25 hrs. a week. I know I'm whining and it doesn't seem like much to most people. But, again I'm a bit overwhelmed. I can't remember the last meal I made for Bubba, the laundry gets done every two weeks (only cuz I'm outta underwear at that point) and we won't even get into what the rest of my house looks like. I have ZERO motivation to do anything. I procrastinate all of my school work and it will not pay off this month. Sooo much due this month at school. If I'm not at school, I'm at work. I get home every night during the week by about 10:30-11:00pm. And then I'm tired or I just need to zone out and not think about anything. I've posted about this before...it seems like around my last melt down at the end of last semester. What do I think I'm gonna do when we get a baby? Am I automatically going to morf into the "organized mommy" and trick everyone that I've got my shit together? Cuz, I don't think so. Bubba helps when I need him, but to be honest I don't like the way he does laundry....and laundry is my nemesis. So, ideas anyone? How do you mommy's do it? How do you keep it together, yourself together, your house together etc? You must comment this time cuz I'm a screming out for advice.

Just Stick A Pillow Over It

2008-03-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

So, Bubba's snoring is OUT OF CONTROL!! I can't handle it much longer. The sick thing is, I can't go to sleep unless he's in bed and snoring lightly. He no longer snores lightly....it is soooo loud, I can't sleep. The past few nights after trying to shake him awake, and being unsuccessful cuz he is that out of it....I stick a pillow over his head hoping to muffle the sounds. It helps a little and I must admit when its really bad, I fight the urge to smother him......did I just say that? No, not cute, innocent me?!?!? I eventually fall asleep and then I'll wake up to the obnoxious snoring.....it reallly is that loud. The good thing is that when I wake up in the morning I'm still happy to see him even though he kept me up all night....I'm not to the point where I want to punch him yet. I'm on my way to being like my Mom though and that's scary. My parents are old slippers now and I never want to be old slippers.

It's About Bloody Time!

2008-03-25T21:46:00.000-07:00

Today we found out that we have officially been approved to be parents. I am excited, don't get me wrong, but its about time!! I'm actually going to try my hardest not to say anything negative about my lovely caseworker right now. I really need to get past being ticked off at him....it'll happen soon. I just need to simmer down. A lot has happened since my last post about our paperwork, but I'll spare the details. The important thing is that its done. Now we truly are just waiting.
We are starting a "journal" for our future child. We bought it about a month or so ago and now we can really start. The point of it is to journal our journey to finding our child. Does that make sense? We just want our child to know how much we truly want(ed) and how much he/she is loved. We want them to always know that he/she was meant for us even though he/she came through another. He/she will understand what an unselfish act their birth mother performed by placing them for adoption not "giving them away"....giving he/she a chance at a life that their birth parents were unable to give them. I had this epiphany a while ago, I talked to Bubba about it and he actually said that he would write in it too. For example, when we get picked by the birth mom, meeting the birth mom, the phone call that birth mom is in labor etc etc. I think this journal will help our child in the future and it will help me right now going through everything. It's a win, win if you ask me. I must say, its a damn cute journal.....it is sooo me and Bubba. If I remember, I'll post a picture.

I Actually Got Tagged

2008-03-13T00:19:00.000-07:00

I got tagged from my cousin, Terrah. I'm bored and can't sleep, so why not. Here it goes..

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME:
(first pet, current car)
Smith Explorer

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME:
(favorite ice cream, favorite cookie)
Chocolate Malted Crunch Chocolate Chip

3. YOUR FLY “GUY/GIRL” NAME:
(first initial first name, first 3 letters last name)
H-McM

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME:
(favorite color, favorite animal)
Green Yuki

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME:
(middle name, city where you were born)
Don't have one Anaheim

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME:
(first 3 letters last name, first 2 letters first name)
McM-Ho

7. SUPERHERO NAME:
(2nd favorite color, favorite drink and add "the”)
Blue Coke

8. NASCAR NAME:
(first names of your grandfathers)
James William

9. AUTHOR NAME:
(favorite perfume, favorite candy)
Happy Skor

10. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:
(mother’s and father’s middle names)
Murray Doesn't have one

Aaaah. Now I might be able to fall asleep. Anyone who wants to do this, is now officially tagged.

Good Night.

Where Did They go?

2008-03-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away........I had nice legs. On a few occasions I was told they were sexy legs. I didn't know what that meant then and I still don't know what that means now. Now that I am officially "chunky", I miss my legs. Now my upper thighs touch and the skin above my knees look like it is starting to droop. It grosses me out. I long for the days when I actually liked my legs. So what am I going to do about it? Nothing, just complain. I would like to say that I am going to start running again, but in reality I'm not sure that's gonna happen. I have a love/hate relationship with aging. I like who I am now more than I did when I was in my young 20's, but I certainly like the way my body looked like then. Now I'm dealing with age spots, vericose veins, saggy boobs, "peach fuzz" on my face, and sooo much more. Apparently, all of this comes with age. What can you do? At least I have cute feet.

You Didn't!!!

2008-03-06T20:04:00.000-08:00

Here's a quick update about my oh so lovely caseworker and our adoption paperwork. I talked to my caseworker on Tues and he said "if all goes well your paperwork will be submitted to the comittee next Monday. But, to be honest I haven't looked to see if all the paperwork is there, I'm assuming it is. So, if we have everything then Monday. I'll let you know if we're missing anything." I say "thanks" and hang up the phone while I'm cussing him out in my head. I'm sorry, did you just say you haven't looked to see if all of our paperwork is there? You've had it for almost 3 months and you haven't looked at it? Again, are you kidding me assmunch??

Fast forward to today. I'm talking to my friend, Angela, on my way home from work. She asks about the paperwork etc and I unleash on her about all my frustrations. I told her that if I get a phone call saying they don't have some of the paperwork, I'm gonna freak out. Cuz, that will be the excuse of why its gonna take another 2-3 months to get approval. What have they been doing this whole time? Clearly sitting on their asses with their finger up their nose!! I jinxed myself by saying that. I got home, got all comfy in my bed with my laptop, open up my email and lo and behold an email from my caseworker. Guess what? They're missing some of the paperwork! Yep, that's right. How pissed am I? Do you really wanna know? Don't worry I'll spare you my rant. There are 4 things they are missing or that we need to update. They aren't that big of a deal and won't take long, which is good. But are you kidding me?!?! This is just another great example of our luck. I joke with Bubba all the time saying our luck ran out when we met each other. Cuz ever since then, its been an uphill battle for EVERYTHING!!! Why should this be any different?

Turning Point

2008-02-28T15:50:00.000-08:00

I am at a turning point & its a good thing. Ever since we turned in our paperwork I am finally excited about being a mom someday. This is something I have always wanted.....ever since I can remember. When I was in elementary school my teacher would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always said a mom. That dream has never faltered. When I was single and all my friends were getting hitched, they would ask when it would be my turn. I always thought I don't care if I get married, I just wanna be a mom. I know a lot of others have thought the same way. This is not my turning point however. I have said time and time again how hard it has been for me the past five years (three being the most difficult) in throes of trying to get pregnant. Now that our paperwork is done, I have allowed myself to start "fantabating" about every fun thing there is about babies. I can even go by the baby sections and actually look at everything. Before, I bypassed that section. When I would get invited to a baby shower, I would get gift cards so I wouldn't have to look at baby stuff. Now I love it. I get excited not sad. For some reason I've gotten Pottery Barn Babies for years, but I always threw it away without looking....not anymore. I love this new.....whatever it is.

A Little Stoned & A Little Letter

2008-02-26T20:43:00.000-08:00

Last night after school, I hurt my neck. I turned to look at my Bubba & snap.....ouch! He's been a pain in my neck ever since. Went to the dr. today and now I have a cervical collar. Oh, and I'm stoned. They gave me a shot in my butt and gave me an Rx for a pain killer and muscle relaxant. Just the shot and half of the pain killer and I'm slurring my words. Gotta love it. I did get out of doing my history presentation tomorrow though. I got a note from the dr. to miss class....cuz I'm gonna be drugged. That's the only good thing.....getting out of a presentation for just a few more days:)

Now for my letter to our lame ass adoption caseworker. Actually, I really like him but right now I really don't! Here is what I'd really like to say, but can't. If I did they may deem me as an unfit parent. Caution: read at your own risk.....I have a tendency to be a potty mouth when I'm ticked.

Dear W.,
You suck! Why don't you ever call me back? All I wanna know is, what is the deal with my paperwork? Has the stupid approval committee approved us to be suitable parents yet or not? It's not that hard of a question to answer. Well, since you're dumb ass won't give me the common courtesy of a returned phone call, I called your secretary and she ratted you out!! You see, when you were in my home in Dec. you told us you would start your report on us THE NEXT DAY. Well, good ole M. let me know that you just started it LAST WEEK!! You asshole! You've had our paperwork for 2 1/2 months and you're just now getting around to doing YOUR JOB!! Are you kidding me? Do you not realize that you are dealing with the rest of MY LIFE!!! You see, when you want to start a family you wanted it like yesterday. Now I have to deal with your timeline...........I don't like you today. I would love to call your supervisor and tell on you, but that won't do me any good. Cuz you're the only adoption caseworker there and it's not like they're gonna give us a new caseworker. I also know that you only place maybe 2 babies a month with an adoptive couple, so I know you're not too busy. I get it that you may be working with a lot of other adoptive couples as well, but all you gotta do is pick up the phone or have your secretary pick up the phone and let me know, that yes you did receive my messages but you have a lot of other people who just turned in their paperwork as well so its taking you longer than usual to get to our report. You see, when I am ignored, it just really chaps my hide. I've been ignored or overlooked the majority of my life and I am OVER IT!! I am no longer the patient, nice perosn I use to be. I'm not quite sure what I'm gonna do if I have to wait much longer.

Bite my ass,
Holly

All Gone

2008-01-29T15:57:00.000-08:00

So, the above picture is Brad's feet in the Bahamas. That's where we finally decided to go for our mini free vacation. This is our first day there. And, the first day was the best weather the whole time we were there. As you can tell, it wasn't that great that day anyway. The rest of our trip consisted of crazy winds and rain. We managed to go scuba diving the day there was no rain even though it was cold and crazy windy. Before we left I was worried about how fat and white I am, but then decided "who cares, I'm married." Turned out I worried for nothing cuz the weather was sooo crappy I didn't have to torture everyone by showing my fat ass in my bathing suit. Gone is my Winter Break and now I'm back in school. Blah!!!
This beauty is Bubba and I on Christmas Day. Not sure what Brad had in his mouth at the time, but he obviously felt it necessary to show all what he was eating. We had a grand old time in So. Cal. with the families for the holiday. On Dec. 28th Bubba and I officially finished and turned in all of our adoption paperwork. We are officially waiting now. Waiting to be "picked". I consider this my "pregnancy". Granted it may be a two year "pregnancy", but oh well, it's my time now.

Almost Done

2007-12-12T19:14:00.000-08:00

I am ecstatic that the semester ends NEXT WEEK!! It'll be nice to have a month to do nothing except what I want to do. Anyone jealous?? What do I plan on doing, you ask?

1- Reading the books I want to read. I have a stack waiting.
2- Finish painting the inside of my home. I have way too many colors going on.
3- Possibly going to AZ to visit 3 of my siblings and hopefully my pal Squat (if she's around). My SIL is having a baby boy tomorrow and she's in AZ. That'll be 9 nephews, 2 nieces on just my side of the family. I don't get to see the AZ clan very often, so this should be a good time. Lots of kiddies.
4- Bubba and I scored free airline tickets that need to be used before Jan. 1st. We're just debating on where to go....suggestions? Bubba voted for Australia, I voted for Paris, Bubba voted for Alaska, I voted for Paris, Bubba voted for Kauai. We haven't agreed yet, so many places to choose from.

As for our adoption stuff.....we'll be done by the end of the year with everything and then its the waiting game. I'm a pro at waiting. It's what I do best.

Historically, the Christmas season blows for me. Only because its a family holiday and when that's all you've wanted your entire life and can't have it, its hard. There's a song Bubba listens to on his favorite Xmas CD that starts out saying "Christmas is hell on earth, I know nothing worse...." This is how I have felt every Christmas for the past three years. It seriously blows. This year is different. I feel like myself again and I'm happy. Maybe because I have a light at the end of the tunnel this year. We may not get a baby by next Christmas, but I know that its gonna happen and that I will be a mom someday. I think just knowing that makes it okay for me. Anyhow, I'm happy I don't have to endure this Christmas season and that I actually can enjoy it.

This is for those of you who know Brad......he's taking me to see The Christmas Carol in San Francisco on Sat.!! He didn't even put up a fight when I brought it up. I didn't have to promise any sexual favors or anything!!! Just kidding (I said that to gross out my sisters). I think he's just happy I want to get out of bed this holiday season.

Merry Maids to My Rescue

2007-11-12T13:00:00.000-08:00

I am sooo very excited........I'm having a house cleaner come to clean my home before our Turkey Day festivities. Wahooie! This alone takes a big part of my stress away. I need someone to come and do all of the deep cleaning that I loathe and quite frankly haven't had the time to do. Now my house will be sparkling when our out of town guests arrive. Aaahhh. I feel the angst melting away as I type.

Jumbled Mess

2007-11-08T14:34:00.000-08:00

That is me....a jumbled mess! I have way too much to do before Thanksgiving and my head can't handle it. I'm pretty sure I may need some anti-anxiety meds. So many due dates for school crap....again, what the hell did I get myself into? Work is actually a break and somewhat of a haven...what is up with that? I think its because when I'm at work, I think about work..it is always busy. When I'm at home I think about all those lovely due dates for school looming over my head, cleaning my house for the turkey day festivities, getting down to our adoption services office to pay our wad of cash for our "home inspection" and actually scheduling it (GASP), what I actually need to get for the turkey day dinner to pull off the vision that I have in my head, groccery shopping for my most favoritest meal of the entire year and the actual making of the meal. Just typing it all out is overwhelming to me. Then I realize if I think this is overwhelming, what the hell do I think I'm gonna do when we get a baby? Seriously. I know to others it looks like I'm just rolling with the punches, but on the inside I'm a jumbled ass mess!!

I have been spoiled over the years with it just being Bubba and me and I'm afraid I won't know what hit me when we get a baby. So, true to my nature, I am second guessing and doubting myself. And, poor Bubba is there to pick up my pieces. He is always reassuring me that it will be fine and that I/we can do it and we will HAVE FUN!!! See, he is my biggest cheerleader.....literally and figuratively speaking.

6 Years

2007-10-26T14:39:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is officially our six year anniversary! I can't believe its been that long....seems like a lot longer. Not in a bad way either. Some days it seems like forever and other days it feels like we just got married. Does that make sense? I wonder if I ever had a life before I met Brad, it seems like he is all I have ever known. Anyhow, I wanted to just put it out in cyber space 6 of the reasons why I love my Bubba. He never reads my blog so I can be as sappy as I want. Otherwise, it would embarrass him that I could be so sappy. So, if you're not up for ultra-sap click away now.

#1- He's my biggest fan
#2- He loves me for who I am (which is amazing)
#3- He loves it that I think I'm the funniest person I know. Because I AM!!
#4- My nieces and nephews love him more than they love me (You may be thinking "why would she love that?" Well, I think that the majority of young kids have a built in bull-shit detector and creepy meter. They can tell when someone just isn't right for some reason. From the moment our nieces and nephews met Bubba they instantly fell head-over-heels-in-love with him. I love seeing the bond that Bubba and my Simon have. I am jealous of it but I secretly love it....shhh, don't tell him.)
#5- He doesn't think my family is as crazy as I think they are
#6- I know where I stand with him at all times.....everyone knows where they stand with him.

I could go on and on but I'll spare you all. Through the past five years of trying to get pregnant, the last two being the absolute hardest, I have realized that he is the one decision in my life that I absolutely know, without a doubt, that I got right. I never question that decision even when we are in an argument and he's not my favorite person. I often come back to this when I have my times when I think maybe we just aren't suppose to be parents. I know that if it were just Bubba and I for the rest of our lives, I would be happy with that.

Happy Anniversary to me!!

***Sorry about the quality of the picture....its scanned and I'm computer illiterate= crappy picture. Sorry!

Help Needed

2007-09-25T13:32:00.000-07:00

Not quite sure what I got myself into with school. What was I thinking? Does anyone have any tips for "time management"? I am the world's best procrastinator....I had 3 tests yesterday, and lets just say that studying for 3 tests was too much for me to handle. My brain was a scattered mess and I couldn't concentrate on what I was suppose to be studying for. I am not expecting any good grades from those tests. It was ugly. Tips anyone???

Anyhow.....I think its sad that all I have to talk (type) about is school and our adoption process. Is that all my life really is? I think its kinda pathetic. But, I don't know how to do anything else. So, I watch TV. Love TV!! Bubba turned our cable off at the beginning of summer and I almost have him talked into turning it back on. I need my DVR back. All the good season premiers are starting this week and I don't know what to do with myself. Some are on at the same time and I'm gonna have heart failure if I miss one second. We get the normal broadcast channels but nothing else. The only reason why I have him almost talked into it is cuz football season started and Bubba loves himself some football and we don't have ESPN. He's had to resort driving 30min. to his brother's house to watch some games. If he didn't love football, I wouldn't get my way. He turned it off thinking we might actually do something other than watch TV when we were home. Nope, didn't work. We watch just as much TV. We are truly pathetic.

Fall is almost here. I am so excited. It actually rained here this past weekend and it was COLD! Love it!!

Summer

2007-08-30T12:15:00.000-07:00

Before I get started let me once again say that I hate Blogger. For some lame reason all my posts went bold. I didn't do that....well, not intentionally at least. And on my posting setting....well, I won't even get started on that one. Anyhow......

Summer is gone, gone, gone now. School started this past Monday. I was happy it started and not . Happy cuz I was bored and it would give me something to do. Not happy cuz its school. For the fall semester I am by far, the oldest. In my psychology class the instructor had us raise our hand if we were married. I was the only one who raised their hand. I was actually happy about that cuz everyone else seemed way too young to be married....and I was right. The majority just graduated from high school a few months ago. It was like watching a high school reunion the first day. I wanted to vomit. Oh the high pitched squeals and screaming......"Oh my gosh, you're in this class? How cool is that? How was your summer? Did you hear about........?" It was nauseating. All the girls talk in "snotty talk". You know with the rolling eyes, flipping hair and they have their own accent or twang or whatever you want to call it. I don't know how to explain it, except at the end of every sentence they draw out the last word with a ssss. I can't type it. Sorry, I know, I know, watch Laguna Beach on MTV and pay attention to how the girls talk....that's what I'm talking about. Snotty Talk. Anyhow, school is gonna be interesting. That's all I'm gonna say about that for now.

We only have three things left to do for our adoption paperwork. Next week we are getting CPR and First Aid certified and that will complete all of our certification crap. We finished the foster care certifications a few weeks ago....Yahoo. Then we have to do out letter to the birth mother.......not looking forward to that. What do you say? Seriously, any tips? And, last we have the home inspection. Then we wait..... I think I'm really good at waiting now. If waiting were a sport, I would get a medal for sure!!!

So here is what summer consisted of for me......not much.
1- Found out that I got A's in my summer classes...gold star for me. I now officially have a 4.0 GPA. That's a first.
2- I cleaned my house so it shines now....but not for long, I'm just an okay housekeeper....nothing to get excited over.
3- I felt sorry for myself on the days I had nothing to do. All I could think about was....."if I had kids I would be....." And that's all I'm gonna say about that. And, if anyone comments "yeah, but when you have kids you'll just want the time to yourself"....I won't comment on your blog for a very long time! I know what a bummer...no comment from ME!!
4- Worked...part time. That's why I was bored at times. This was the first time in 13 years that I have ever worked part time, so that was a little wierd. But, I tell you what....working in Urgent Care, I know I don't ever want to work with kids. I hate it. I hate being the bad guy. Being the one to give them shots and all...not fun!
5- Bubba & I went to Monterey for (what I call) the "shi-shi car show". It's one of those that have all the fancy shmancy cars....lamborghinis, ferraris, cobras etc. There's tons more cars, but I don't know what they are. All I know is that they were very expensive and Bubba was like a little kid on Christmas Day. We met Brad's brother, sister, brother in law, his brother's girlfriend there. It was a very good time. We were the token white trash to all of the events the entire weekend.
6- Went to Lake Tahoe. Ahhhhh, love it there. It's only 1 hr. and 15 min. from where we live, so I love it even more.
7- I turned 33!!! I can't believe I'm that old. I got mad at Bubba in the morning and I couldn't shake my pissy mood til later in the afternoon, so it wasn't the best bday ever, but that's my fault. He was cute and got me a dozen roses, an ice cream cake and a very funny Napolean Dynamite card telling me that I get a spa day with my only friend up here. I was shocked he did the cake by himself....my sister, Kelly, usually just does the cake or she has to remind him. But, she was out of town and he did it all by his lonesome. What a good Bubba.

See, just an okay summer. I must say that I am sooo excited for the fall!! The leaves on the trees here are already starting to change color and I am so very excited. I love fall!! I'm ready for the cooler weather. As I type this it is currently 103 degrees outside. Fall anyone?? anyone?

Halle-freakin-lujah!!

2007-08-01T11:31:00.000-07:00

School is over tomorrow. I'm so excited. Then I'll have 3 weeks til it starts again. I'm hoping my poo schedule will go back to normal. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Too Much

2007-07-11T12:42:00.000-07:00

My head is all jumbled up with STUFF!!! I'm stressing out for no reason. My nerves are shot. My tummy is out of control. It's always in knots. I'm afraid to fart cuz it might be a shart.....more than I bargained for. I hate when I'm like this. It's been a long time. I've lost a whole whopping 3 lbs. though. Yippee!! So, again I'm going to purge my brain....so bear with me or click out now.

1- I'm having a hard time adjusting to school and work. School is almost over and I'm still not adjusted. I guess you could say "I'm not a well adjusted person"? I'm hoping to not have to work for fall semester since I'm taking 14 units and summer I've only taken 8 units. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
2- Almost done with just the adoption paperwrok. Still have all the certifications and home study to do...this is what takes the most time. I'm upset with myself that I haven't put this at the top of my priority list. Since its not at the top of my list (and I think it should be but I just haven't made it that way because I have too many excuses) I've been thinking that maybe Bubba and I aren't suppose to be parents....maybe we're just suppose to be the favorite aunt and uncle???
3- Bubba's sister got married last weekend (wahoo) so we went down to So. Cal. for the extravaganza....it turned into a "working vacation" and now I need a vacation to recover from my vacation. I wasn't able to see any of my friends (because of all the chaos) so that made me very sad. I miss my girlfriends. I don't have very many up here.
4- Family bites my ass right now. That's all I'm gonna say about that.
5- My sister, Julianne, had a baby boy last week. This is her 4th boy. They named him Colby. I want to hold him and smell him, but I can't.....he's in AZ. He is my 8th nephew. That's right 8th. I have 8 nephews and 2 nieces....#11 is due in Dec. And, that's just my side of the family!! Between Bubba and I, we have 19 nieces and nephews!!!
6- Bubba is pretty much up and running his business. I'm happy for him and very nervous at the same time. We've managed to turn our life upside down the last few months. It's a good thing....things were getting pretty stale around here.
7- My mom and her BFF visited a few weeks ago and helped me decorate my house. I'm very happy. I feel like I have a home now and not just a house. Everything is organized now and I love it!!! I'll have to post pics another time.

After getting that out, I still can't figure out why I'm a ball of stress. That's not much more than what I'm use to. The last 3 things are very positive. What is my problem? I seriously sound like a whiny wuss.

New Beginnings & Poop

2007-06-15T12:41:00.000-07:00

It all started this week. As Bubba put it "this is the first day of the rest of our life." I have said in the past, in not so many words, that we are in a "rut". Not our relationship...all is swell there. We have just been in the same, monotonous routine for the last few years and neither one of us are happy about that. So, to make a very long story short, we decided to adopt rather than go through IVF, I decided to go back to school and Bubba is starting his own business hopefully by the beginning of next month.

I started my new part time job last Saturday at Urgent Care and I started school this past Monday. I like both. However, I am exhausted. The days I work and go to school are forever long. Last night I got home from work around 9pm and I couldn't get to my bed fast enough. I know it'll take a few weeks to get in the swing of things, but I'm wiped out. Today is my "Saturday". I have no work and no school. I work tomorrow....I don't like working on the weekend. Today I slept until 11am. I know I'm a lazy ass. But, I feel soooo much better. I might actually be able to concentrate when I do my homework later. I'm still in my pj's catching up on everyone's blogs. The only things I've accomplished so far are brushing my teeth and pouring myself a coke...with lots of ice. Jealous? I know Kelly is.

Now as promised (sorry it took so long), the poop story. I'm just gonna say up front, this is not about me. You know I have no shame when it comes to telling very embarassing stories about myself. Check out my archives if you don't believe me. Anyhoo, this is about a friend of a friend.
My old co-worker and still pal, Squat, was reading her email at work one day. Out of the blue she started laughing very hard. Once she was able to control herself she had me read the email her friend sent her. (Squat, I know you read my blog sometimes, so you will have to make corrections to this story if I leave something out in the comments.) Basically her friend just got back from her honeymoon in Puerto Vallarta. She got food poisoning= not a very fun honeymoon. She went on and on about her diarrhea and vomiting. The worst/funniest part was when she was talking about their last night in Puerto Vallarta. She and her new husband were laying in bed, she was exhausted from all the pooing. She needed to fart and thought it was safe since the diarrhea had kinda subsided. So she did. She got more than what she bargained for and sharted. Husband next to her and all. She screamed. He rolled over to see what was wrong and rolled right into her poop. I was dying at this point of the email. He did what any nice, young, new husband is suppose to do. He picked up his mortified, crying wife in her poopy pj's and all, and carried her into the bathroom. He ran a nice bath for her and helped her get out of her poopy pj's. Squat's friend ended the email saying..."now I know he really loves me." And they lived happily ever after.
Squat and I were dying of laughter. We were both engaged at the time. I would have died if this happened to me on my honeymoon and Squat felt the same way. We were both imagining our future husbands picking us up in our poopy pjs and taking us to the bathroom. This would never happen. I know for a fact that Bubba would have screamed like a little girl if he rolled over into my poop. And, would've proceeded to laugh non stop at me covered in my own poo. Squat's husband would've done the same. We were imagining her friend and hubby lying in bed, when all of the sudden her friend sharts and poop fires out of her bumhole onto her husband. Imagine it like a cartoon.....very funny!!

Nothing of Interest

2007-05-30T18:06:00.000-07:00

I have zero to blog about. Sad huh? Nothing exciting going on and for once nobody is irritating me. I am training the "new girl" who is taking my place at work and I am oh so very bored. I'm strictly an observer now. The days are FOREVER!!! All I can think about is everything that I need to get done at home. Next week is my last week and I get half days all week. Wahoo for me. I plan on turning in the majority of our adoption paperwork next week since I'll only be working until 12:30. Other than that, that's all the haps for me and Bubba. By the way, I remembered another very funny poo story......so stay tuned.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2007-05-16T19:42:00.000-07:00

I did it! Yesterday I enrolled in my classes. That is so weird. I haven't been to school in 13 years so I'm pretty nervous....and excited. I'm taking 8 units for the summer. My last day at my job in June 7th. I start training the newbie tomorrow. Fun times!!

In the meantime, I was offered a job at our local Urgent Care Center. The P.A. that works at our office is also leaving the same time I am. Her fiance (he's an ER doctor) owns the Urgent Care with two other ER docs. Anyhow, she asked me if I was interested in working part time or per diem while I was in school. I said I could probably do part time for the summer and per diem for the fall. She talked to her lover and I have the job. I go tomorrow to discuss pay and my schedule. Weird huh? The more I think about it, I think its a smart move on my part. I'll learn a lot more and when it comes time to apply to nursing schools letters of recommendations from ER docs might come in handy.

Anyhow, another Mother's Day came and went. I was surprised at how well I did. I thought for sure I'd have another break down, but Bubba was smart and whisked me away for the weekend. We went to San Francisco Saturday and came home on Sunday. We had a nice, relaxing time. We discovered a new resturaunt there that we can't wait to go back to. It's called Biscuits & Blues. It is very yummy Southern food and a live Blues band plays while you enjoy your meal. We did lots of people watching (more like staring), walking and some shopping cuz that's what you do when you go to "the city". The trip re-energized us for the many changes that are coming our way. Let the games begin!!!

Attack of the Killer Herpe

2007-05-10T19:56:00.000-07:00

That's right, I got another damn herpe on my lip. This one isn't the typical invasion of my lip that I normally get. For me, it is relatively small. But, man is it ugly. I can't help to think (you're gonna be grossed out so click away if you have a weak tummy) is this what they look like when people have genital herpes??? I had one patient actually tell me that they look like a bunch of cauliflowers on the hooch. I'm curious. And, yes I know, that is just a twisted thing to be curious about, but I can't help myself. The visual alone almost gives me the dry heaves, but I don't get grossed out too easy.

My doctor gives me Valtrex when I get one of these lovely visitors. For those of you who don't watch TV....Valtrex is advertised on TV for genital herpes. So, Bubba thinks its funny to recite the last few lines of the commercial...with a little twist. At the end of the ad you see a guy and a girl standing together with their arms around each other and he says "I have genital herpes" and then she says "And I still don't." This is what he says to me when I want my goodnight kiss as he's pushing me away laughing..."She has herpes, but I still don't." He thinks he's sooooo very funny.

Stupid Little Game

2007-05-10T19:46:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been to a few bridal/baby showers where they have played the same game....not the typical shower lame game. This was a "get to know you" deal since there was quite a few people who didn't know each other etc. So, this is how you play..... I'm gonna say 2 truths about me and 1 lie. You need to pick which is the lie. You have to guess....it'll be fun for me. And, its all about me, this is my blog! So, guess. I don't even think my 2 sisters that actually read this will be able to guess......hmmmmm.

1- I've been pee'd on by a lion at the zoo..standing a wee too close to the cage.
2- I like (okay love) to skinny dip
3- I have "hung out" with Rick James

Lame game, I know. But, I'm in a Vicodin haze and for some reason I think it sounded like fun. Now guess!!! Go ahead, DO IT!! You know you want to!

Way Too Serious Around Here

2007-05-07T13:02:00.000-07:00

I realize that I have been way too serious lately. That's just not me. So, to break up the monotony of my adoption process (I think about it everyday, several times a day, but you people don't need to) I will give you the funniest poo story of them all. You've missed the poo talk, I know.

This particular story does not involve me, it involves one of my most favoritest people in the whole entire universe. I call her "Ghost". I have to write about her because I miss her so much and I honestly think she may be dead (I'm not kidding), but that's a whole other story for one of my more depressing moods. Since I miss the guts out of her the very first thing that comes to mind is the one I'm gonna share. So, get ready to laugh so hard, snot may come shooting out your nose and hit your screen.

It was New Year's Eve. We were 21. Done with our prowl for the guys. Unsuccessful night. We end our night at a little cafe on PCH in Seal Beach. We're laughing at something, as usual. I see two funny looking guys watching my pal. Which wasn't unusual. Everywhere she went she caught the eye of some guy.....sometimes good guys but often times creepy guys (she didn't know how to be mean and I quickly learned how to be very bitchy and blunt hanging out with her. She didn't have the creepy guy radar). And, of course, they come over to us and want to "get to know us". They end up being very nice guys and my friend actually ended up being head over heels in love with the funnier looking of the two. They end up having a 5 year relationship.

However, at the beginning, just a few weeks to be exact, they got off to an interesting start. Ghost did not have a job when they met so she would go down to San Diego all the time to "hang out" with him. She would be gone for days. She would call me periodically to tell me she was okay etc etc. One day when I was at work I got the following phone call.

Me: "Doctor's ------------- this is Holly, how may I help you?"

Ghost: "Pee! Holy shit! You're not gonna believe what just happened to me!" side note: she calls me "Pee" because that was the first initial of my maiden name. But, when she'd write me a note, bday card whatever she always spelled it p-e-e. She starts crying and laughing at the same time.

"What? Are you alright?"

"Yes. No. I don't know. Things with Nate are over."

Very surprised. "Why? What happened?"

"I'm at the pay phone at 7eleven right now. I can't believe this. Nate was at work and Mike (Nate's roommate) just left to go surfing and I was dying to go poo but I couldn't do that while Mike was there. So, when he left I went into the bathroom to go poo. It was diarrhea. So, I didn't flush often cuz its diarrhea. I go to flush and it over flowed EVERYWHERE!! I went to turn the water thingy off on the toilet and it BROKE!!! It wouldn't stop. Diarrhea and poo particles were everywhere!!!. It went all the way out to the front door and into the kitchen. And, a little bit in their rooms. One of them had board shorts on the floor and now they're soaked in my poo!!"

I'm dying of laughter at this point. I can see it all unfold. Let me just tell you they had the tiniest apt. I have ever seen. I don't know how to convey to you how small it was. It was just small. The whole apt floor was linoleum, no carpet. "What did you do? Did you clean it up or did you just leave?"

"I just started cleaning it up when Mike walked in. He looked at me with utter amazement. I don't think he knew that girls shit until now. He was just standing in the doorway with poo water EVERYWHERE when Nate walked up behind him. I started crying and ran out the door. Now I'm at 7eleven. I don't want to go back there. My purse and keys are in their apt. What should I do?"

I'm still laughing so hard my stomach hurt. "I don't know. I wouldn't go back there either. Just spy on them to see when they leave, get your stuff and come back home. I would never want to see them again. I can't believe you did that!"

Obviously, she went back and everything was honky dory. Nate actually went to the 7eleven when she was on the phone with me to tell her it was okay and not to be embarassed. He apologized for the toilet and for not warning her that it didn't flush very well. Now, when he told me his version of the story... he was laughing so hard he was crying. Priceless.

***After re-reading that, it may not seem that funny to all of you. But, just imagine being 21, just starting a relationship and then overflowing his toilet to the point the entire apt floor is covered in diarrhea water and poo particles. That would be the single most embarassing moment for many 21 year olds....at least up to that moment in time.

Now do you think its funny?

Who Wouldn't Want Us?

2007-05-01T18:20:00.000-07:00

For real? Don't we look like fun parents? Wouldn't you want us? I was actually just looking through pics to see which ones we are going to "publish" on ParentProfiles.com and for our collage that birth moms are suppose to pick us from, and this is our most recent photo. We never take pics anymore. It's sad. This is in our cabin when we went on our Mexican Riviera cruise a few months ago. Obviously, its a self photo. Bubba's shirt alone should "sell" us to a birth mom dont' ya think? Only if she has a sense of humor. Looks like we need to start taking pics and looking like we're mature....cuz we're not.

Done Deal

2007-04-25T16:08:00.000-07:00

I did it! I gave my job 6 1/2 week "notice" today. I informed them of my plans to go back to school and now I'm officially ecstatic. I'm excited and nervous about going back to school. I'm not a big fan of change, and adopting and school are big ones. Let the "mud butt" begin!!

To-Do List

2007-04-16T16:46:00.000-07:00

We went to our appt with our case worker last week. All went well there. It was fun to see Bubba more excited than me for a change. I was more bitter. Seriously, there's so much to do. If we were able to have kids "naturally" we wouldn't have to do all this. It took me the rest of the week to chill out about it and now I'm good again. I had a good cry the day before Easter so I got it out of my system (for the most part) before our appt. Its been almost a week now and I feel really good about it again. Now my "to do" list is endless....which is probably a good thing. It'll keep me focused. This is what it entails (as far as I can remember without having the paperwork in front of me):

1- Home inspection. They need to make sure its child proof. We need to get a fire extinguisher and update our first aid kit.
2- Huge questionnaire. Both Bubba and I have to fill our own out.
3- Foster Care Certification
4- Physical Exam
5- Criminal Background Check
6- Fingerprints
7- Letter to Birth Mom (we're doing an open adoption)
8- Publish our "profile" on parentprofiles.com
9- CPR and First Aid certification

I know there is more, but I'm having a brain fart right now. Sounds like fun huh?

My Latest Funk

2007-04-06T09:18:00.000-07:00

I don't know what my deal is and its really getting on my nerves now. I mentioned before that I'm super irritable and Bubba gets the brunt of it. This has been going on for weeks! I can't handle it anymore. No, I'm not PMSing....I just finished. The last few days Bubba has said "You need to stop being so cranky all the time. And, yes, its all the time now." I feel bad. I don't mean to be snappy and bitchy, it just comes out and I have no control. Its hard for me to hide what I'm really feeling/thinking with him....he knows me too well. I'm only blogging about it hoping that it'll go away if I get it out of my system.

So, last night after Bubba said I was cranky all the time, I replied "I don't think I'm happy with my life anymore and I'm frustrated and I don't know why."

Bubba: "WHAT? You can't say that and not know why."

"Well, I just said it, so obviously I can say it and I still don't know why." (See I am a bitch. How snotty does that sound!)

Complete silence follows this lovely conversation for about 10 min. and typical in the BNH (Brad-n-Holly) household, I break the silence and start talking about something totally unrelated to the almost crying fit I saw myself starting. We talk about what we're gonna watch on TV. Nice huh?

Anyhow, I start analyzing.....I'm a chick, I can't help myself. So, this is what I came up with. Of course, Bubba is gonna respond like that after I say I'm not happy with my life. If he said that to me I'd be heart broken. To me, he pretty much is my life right now. Do I think Bubba thinks like this? I doubt it, but maybe to some extent. When I said I wasn't happy with my life, I wasn't talking about Bubba (just for the record). What I've come up with is this (and, yes, I'll explain all of this to Bubba when I can do it without the snottiness):
1- I'm so over my job. It's an energy sucker. I can't wait to start school and get going on this next chapter of my/our life.
2- I am very excited about the whole adoption process, but I don't think I'll be able to do the waiting game anymore. I have zero patience for this now.
3- I hate all of the "family" holidays now. I use to love Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter etc etc. But, I'm not a fan anymore. Its more in my face at holiday time, that I don't have a family yet. Especially, at church. Holy Moses, at times, its almost unbearable. I know a family is in my near future and I AM excited, so I'm pissed at myself for feeling sorry for myself. Does that make sense? (Note: I have a problem with getting what is going on in my head out of my mouth, so bear with me here.) I finally feel at peace with the hardest decision Bubba and I have had to make to date, and I'm feeling sorry for myself!! I'm twisted.
4- I'm feeling way too frumpy and fat lately.
5- When I get home from work, I have no motivation to do anything. All I want to do and have been doing, is get in my pj's and watch TV. That is not normal. Maybe I have a case of "mild depression".

Obviously, through writing this, #3 is the "root" of my funk. I need to get out of it. How do I do that? Anyone, anyone? I have an appt. to get my eyebrows waxed/shaped tonight so hopefully that will help with my frumpy feeling. One of my friends said I just need to get laid. We'll see if that's the cure....cuz, oh yeah, I have no sex drive either.

Stay Tuned

2007-04-03T19:25:00.000-07:00

We have our first appt. with our adoption case worker next Tuesday...actually its with his intern but no big whoop. Basically, she's gonna go over the rest of the paperwork with us and let us know all the classes and certifications we need to get (first aid, CPR etc). So, 1 of 2 things will soon take place in the "helpmebubba" household. One, I will get crazy diarrhea and have no appetite because of nerves (which wouldn't be too bad..I have at least 15 lbs I need to lose) or two, I will continually shove food in my mouth without ever taking a breath. Hopefully, neither will happen and I will sail through this process without any tears involved, but I doubt that will happen.

On another note, I have been so cranky lately! I have zero patience and I'm so irritable. Poor Bubba can't say anything to me without me ripping his head off. Everyone bothers me and I can't snap out of it. Eventually I will, but who knows when that will be. Poor Bubba.

The Decision Has Been Made

2007-03-21T09:42:00.000-07:00

We have decided to not go through with anymore infertility appts/treatments. We have decided to focus on adoption and I must say, I am soooo very excited! So is Bubba, but I'm more excited. The reason is, we feel we have done everything short of IVF and we know we're gonna have to pay for that since it is not covered by ins. So, we'd rather take that money and put it towards a "sure thing" not a 50/50 chance. It makes sense to us and that's all that matters. I feel very at peace with this decision and it just gives me warm fuzzies inside when I think about it. I seriously feel like a burden has been lifted. Wahoo for me! We know the adoption process isn't gonna be easy. But, at least now we have focus.....and I feel like myself again.

Proper Work Poo Etiquette

2007-03-06T18:28:00.000-08:00

I've posted before on poo etiquette with Bubba. But, now I have no choice but to post about work poo etiquette. You all know that I have no shame when it comes to pooping at work. I go so seldomly, I have to seize the moment when I feel the urge. If I happen to be at work, a restraunt, the mall, gas station etc etc, I will go. Otherwise, who knows when it will happen again. I have to alleviate the bloating any chance I get.

Now, when I do poo in a public place I flush often. I've said before that I'm paranoid about the toilet overflowing, hence the frequent flushing. But, it also comes in handy when you're farting and you have people on both sides of your stall. Or, if you're in a one-holer, you never know if there's a line outside the door. Chances are they can hear the farting too.

At my work, we have the one-holer. There is spray in there. The reason for this post is because of the spray. Nothing is worse than perfumed poo. It still smells like poo, but now you tried to cover it up with pot pourri stuff. Don't get me wrong, I use the spray, but very little. Cuz that's all it takes...a LITTLE. There's one lady in our office who uses tons!!! And then, to top it off, when she comes out of the bathroom leaves the door wide open. Now the perfumed poo odor is wafting throughout the whole damn office and right smack into my office space!! Yack! I don't need to know what crawled up your ass and died on the way out.

Depression, Nerves & Excitement

2007-03-02T09:22:00.000-08:00

The depression is just because I'm back from vacation. The real word blows! We've been back for a week now and I'm still getting use to not having a nap in the middle of the day. Our cruise was glorious. We had a blast! Ate way too much. I gained 2.5 lbs.. Ice cream all day was great! The weather was gorgeous.
My favorite days were the "days at sea" because I lounged in the sun all day long and read my book. Very relaxing. Loved it.
In Puerto Vallarta we did a zip line thingy through the jungle and waterfalls...it was 2 1/2 hrs and loved every second. Puerto Vallarta was my favorite. It is gorgeous.
Mazatlan, we went out deep sea fishing. Good time. Saw whales and a couple of sting rays jumping out of the water. Caught a few fish too.
Cabo San Lucas, I woke up with a bladder infection. Good time. Love pissing fire ants. After I saw the ship's doctor we went shopping and walked around a bit. Last time I was in Cabo was almost 10 years ago and it has changed drastically. I didn't even recognize it. It is very american-ized. Definately a place where I could see taking small children to on a vacation someday.

Anyhow, the nerves and excitement is because I am starting school at the end of May. Yikes! I'm nervous for obvious reasons.....it's change and I haven't been in a school in almost 13 years. I'm afraid I'm going to be the oldest person on campus. I'm afraid the kids won't like me and I won't fit in (hee hee). I'm excited just cuz. I know I'm going to love it.

Food for Thought

2007-02-16T12:38:00.000-08:00

This is another one of my posts where if you get grossed out or offended easily don't read on (Kelly and Mary). Here's a little glimpse into my demented head.

A few days ago on my lunch break, I was flipping through the new issue of the Oprah magazine. Towards the end there is 4 completely nekid women. One woman in her 90's, another in her 50's & 40's and the last in her 20's. We're talking boobs and beavers. Obviously not Playboy style, this is the Oprah magazine for crying out loud! It was tastefully done. The article was showing the aging process and being comfortable with your age (actually, I didn't read the article just the captions and that's what I gathered from it). My next thought is what are the women of this generation going to look like nekid? The whole brazillian wax thing is "in" and there are several women walking around with shiny tacos....are they gonna keep that up as they get older? If they do, can you imagine what its gonna look like? The labia is gonna be all pruney, raisiny looking. You're welcome for the visual.

On a better note, we leave tonight!! My vacation officially begins at 5:00!!! Wahooie! Hope all has a great 3 day weekend. I'll be back in a week and half with amusing stories.

Randomness

2007-02-07T15:48:00.000-08:00

I wrote a few posts a week or so ago and blogger ate them...so I've been on strike. They were good ones! Damn Blogger!! So, now you get an update on all my scattered-ness.

I have a countdown going on in my head until I go on vacation. Today is 8 more work days. I'm not so loving my job right now so this is how I have to get my butt out of bed every morning. But, if I have to be exact, it would be 11 more days. Bubba and I need this oh so very bad! Bubba lost his job last week and needless to say he is pretty stressed. He has another job already but his job is 100% comission and will take a while to get going. He tries to act like all is swell but I've known him for too long to know differently. One, he's not sleeping. Two, he's got the squirts. Three, he's not talking very much. Four, he's completely obsessed about work. Five, he's completely obsessed about our finances. If he had his way we wouldn't be going on vacation, but we already paid for it and its too late now. I'm really hoping it will put things in perspective for both of us.

I had a very crappy week at work last week. I'm not going to feel bad when I quit in a few months to go back to school.

I have the cutest manicure right now. I love the dark colors.

I need to go shopping. Given Bubba's craziness right now though I don't dare.

Why is it that as women age, some start to look like men? I'm talking about the oldold ones.....80 and up. And why does is creep me out when couples refer to each other as mom and dad?

Why do I love TV so much?

Are my boobs gonna look like tube socks someday?

I haven't pooped in five days. If I don't in a few more days, I might have to do something about that.

I'm Ruined

2007-01-17T16:23:00.000-08:00

My mother ruined me. She was a SAHM. So, in turn she did EVERYTHING. She thought that since she did not work outside of the home that her job was to take care of the house, kids etc etc. My dad is a workaholic. So, how did she screw me up? I work full time and so does Bubba. But, when I come home I start cleaning, doing the laundry, dishes, groccery shopping etc. Ya know all the stuff that needs to get done. I rarely ask Bubba to do anything. His job is to take the trash out to the curb and to get the mail. He does these without complaint. I've been slacking on EVERYTHING. I haven't been groccery shopping in 2 weeks, the laundry is over flowing and I could go on and on. I feel like I'm not doing my job as a "wife" and I feel guilty. I shouldn't care right? Bubba doesn't care. But, I seriously feel like I'm letting down Bubba, even though he says I'm not. I just don't want to do it anymore. I want to retire. I need to get away. Maybe I just need to poop....then I'll feel better.

Help Wanted

2007-01-15T17:49:00.000-08:00

All I need is someone to clean my house and someone to organize it for me. I'm going crazy with the lack of organization in our "office", but I have no motivation to do it. I try to psyche myself up to it everday, but I just don't have it in me. Maybe next week?? Maybe?

On another note, Bubba and I are going to Mexico next month and I can't wait. We need a vacation!!! I'm sooo excited I might piss myself.

Dumbass Drivers

2007-01-08T17:57:00.000-08:00

Here is what was going through my mind this morning while driving in wannabe traffic...."Move it ass munch!" Now let me explain why. I live at the top of what people around here call, "the hill". Very rarely do I hit traffic as soon as I get on the freeway. Today was one of those days where it was backed up. I figured there was some crazy accident at the bottom of the hill. 20 min. into my drive (which usually takes 5 min.) I see what the hell the problem is. As I merged onto the freeway I take notice of a few cars that have some snow on their vehicles....no big deal for this time of year. Well, the hold up was, snow flew off of some car, landed on the side of the road and everyone and their asshole had to slow down and take a look at it! As soon as I passed it, it was amazing how fast the traffic went. Thank you stupid ass, Sacramento looky-loo drivers for making my MONDAY MORNING that more enjoyable.

What Did She Just Say??

2007-01-07T17:15:00.000-08:00

The following conversation was overheard (okay, I was "ear husseling") between two barbie looking 19ish year old girls. For your own visualization pleasure I'll attempt to describe them.
#1 girl was of average height, hair was bottle blonde just a tad below her shoulders, face looked pratically plastic with all the make-up. Kind of looked like a wannabe Jessica Simpson wanting to be Marilyn Monroe.

#2 girl was rather tall...probably 5'10". She was cute, not too much make-up and then I noticed her hair. She had blonde hair extensions, no big whoop, BUT you could see where the metal thingys were glued or whatever they do, to her real hair. It was bad enough that Bubba noticed and pointed it out.

So, here is what I had the pleasure of listening to: (oh, pretend like your watching the movie Clueless. That is exactly how these girls talked)

#1: "So there's this girl who I work with and she's gonna be my new project for the year."

#2: "She's that bad where its gonna take a year?"

"Well, let me describe her. Do you remember what Etnies are?"

"Yes! Don't tell me she actually wears them!"

"Yes she does!! And, she wears some no name brand jeans, a hoodie and has her hair in a pony tail EVERYDAY! AND, she NEVER wears makeup!!"

"Oh my gawd! I can't believe you'd hang out with someone like that!"

"Well, um its really sad cuz no one has ever taught her how to be a girl. I mean tomorrow I'm taking her to get a mani and a pedi cuz she has NEVER had one! How sad is that?"

At this point Bubba couldn't take it anymore and started making fun of the way they were talking. So, they got up and moved. Watching Bubba make fun of them was seriously priceless. I don't have the words to do that justice. All I kept thinking of was the movie Clueless. I was watching it unfold right before my eyes.

New Outlook

2007-01-03T11:24:00.000-08:00

My attitude has finally changed. It has taken about 2 years to get to this point, but it has finally happened. Over the last month or so I have noticed that I am finally "at peace" (sorry so cheesy, but honestly, its the only way to explain it) with not being able to get pregnant the way normal people do. I have been bitter that we have to do the different infertility treatments and people who don't even want kids have no problem getting pregnant.
I don't know how to explain what has happened to me but I am so happy my attitude has changed. I hated being the person everyone felt sorry for. They all say they didn't, but I could tell by the way they talked to me about it. I am especially glad that now when someone tells me they're pregnant I don't immediately tell them to f*** off in my head, while pretending that I'm happy for them. I've been saying for the past year, that I know Bubba and I will have a family of our own someday, I just don't know how that will happen....wether it is biologically or through adoption. Honestly, I now truly believe what I've been saying.
We have been looking into adopting and have sent to away to get the paperwork for it. In the meantime, we are waiting on my ins. to see if they will approve further treatments. Either way it will cost a pretty penny. I'm elated right now that I will have a few months off from taking any fertility drugs. I'm looking forward to feeling like "myself" again.

There's Nails In My Throat

2007-01-03T09:50:00.000-08:00

I feel like a pile of poo and I know its just the beginning. When I swallow it feels like I drank a bucket of nails.....its owie!! I woke up with it this morning and I know its just gonna get worse. I also know that it takes 2-3 weeks to get rid of. Boo hoo! I could complain for days, just know that I'm a sneezy, snotty, sore throaty mess.

You A Funny Guy

2006-12-29T10:03:00.000-08:00

First you must say the above title with a chinese accent....I get a good chuckle out of it.

Anyhow, yesterday while talking to Bubba on the phone, he proceeds to take a picture of himself with his cell phone while talking to me on his work phone. Looks like he held the phone down by his knees or something, angled the phone upwards and snapped his picture. Bubba then texted me and attached the pic. Blah, blah, blah.

Fast forward 3 hours.....we are eating dinner.

Me: "Where were you when you took that picture? It looks funky."

Bubba: "I was at my desk. Why does it look weird?"

" I don't know, what was that behind you?"

"It was the window. If you were my weiner that's what you'd see."

I, naturally, just start laughing (I laugh all the time. In school I was in trouble all the time because of my laughing. Sometimes I think its a nervous tick or something). Repeating, while laughing, "if you were my weiner that's what you'd see."

So, then I got to thinking. Do all guys think like that? Do they wonder what things look like from their weiners perspective? I know I have never wondered what things look like from my coochies perspective. Guys are weird!