I "Sharted"

Last week I wrote about my diarrhea problems and I promised to post again about me shitting my pants. So, again, if you don't like potty talk do not read any further....I can get quite graphic!!

This experience occured 2 years ago. Here's what happened:

Bubba and I went to Huntington Beach, CA for New Year's and Bubba's dad was going to meet us there..visiting from Wyoming. We were staying with my very cute friend, Tracy, and her not so nice of a husband, Jim. I woke up with (again) the horrible, mind numbing diarrhea cramps. I laid in bed for a long time hoping they would just disappear. I didn't want to have crazy, back sweating diarrhea at my friend's house! Their bedroom was right by the guest bathroom and I didn't want them to hear the incessant farting and continuous flushing that I knew would be happening. Needless to say, the cramping did not go away and yes, I did use the guest bathroom out of sheer desparation. I swear I was in there for hours!!

Anyhow, I did not eat anything that whole day in fear the diarrhea would return. We were suppose to drive back to Northern CA that night and I didn't want to have a highway emergency. Before driving back we were meeting Bubba's dad (who looks like Clint Eastwood) and his step mom (who has a mullet...I call her my mullet-in-law) for dinner. By this point I was absolutely starving and I hadn't had "the rrheas" for a hours, so I decided to eat some dinner. Nothing crazy....bread and a dinner salad (boring). After finishing the meal I could feel the rumble in my tummy and I knew I was in for it. I was trying to casually look at Bubba and give him the "we need to leave now cuz I'm gonna have an emergency" look, but he wasn't getting the vibe. You may ask...why not just crap at the resturaunt? The answer to this is: I take FOREVER when I have diarrhea!! Bubba jokes and says we have to schedule time for me to take a shit. For example: if we plan to go to dinner and a movie, and after dinner I say "I have to take a shit", he knows the evening is done. Cuz, he has to take my ass home to shit in my OWN toilet and by the time I'm done the movie will be over. So, since he's not getting the vibe I'm trying to take slow, deep, relaxing breaths to calm the hell down. After a few minutes the feeling goes away and I'm happy. We leave the resturaunt, say bye to the "folks" and start out 6 hour drive back home.

We get onto the freeway and a few miles into our trip, the "feeling" comes back.
I say: "We need to start looking for a bathroom I'm gonna have diarrhea in approx 10 min."

Bubba: "Alright." We drive about 5 min.

I say: "False alarm, its gone." Bubba laughs. A few more min go by "Uh, we need a bathroom ASAP!!"

Bubba: "Really? This isn't the safest place to get off the freeway and try to find somewhere for you to shit."

Me: "I know, but I gotta go.... like yesterday!" With that being said...I farted and...shit at the same time! Hence the word "shart" (if you've seen "Along Came Polly" you've heard this word. If not, you've now learned a new word). Startled, I say "Oh my gosh, I think I just shit my pants!"

Bubba: With a horrified look on his face "What do you mean , you THINK you just shit your pants? You either did or you didn't." At the same time a horrendous smell suddenly filled our car.....Bubba now looked horrified AND nauseous. Then he said "I can tell you right now, you definately shit yourself!"

Me: I was rendered speechless. Then I started laughing uncontrollably. Then started crying I was laughing so hard at myself. Laughing and crying at the same time I say "Well, you better get off the freeway now."

Bubba: Laughing and crying as well says "Really?"

We get off the freeway and luckily there's a Jack in the Box right when we exit. Bubba gets out of the car (still laughing hysterically), goes to the trunk to get me clean underwear and pants. I can barely walk not because of the amount of shit swishing around in my clothes but because I am still laughing so hard I can hardly move. The rest of this anecdote is still side splitting funny, but you can imagine me walking into Jack in the Box looking like I have a rod stuck up my ass cuz I'm walking so funny with shit in my pants. The rest of the trip home, Bubba and I would go on and off with the giggles.....

I know that my sister, Kelly, reading this right now is laughing her ass off and I have now made her day a little bit happier while Sim-o and Helene are napping. And, my other sister, Mary, is soooo embarrassed that I would actually blog about this experience. She was absolutely mortified when I told her the story. She is now sitting at her desk, at work, with her hand over her mouth thinking "I can't believe she just told everyone that!!" My brother-in-law, Tyson, is laughing as well saying "Way to go Hollarrhea!" (my real name is Holly and when I talk about poo, this is what he calls me....he says he's gonna teach Sim-o to call me this). Bubba doesn't read my blog, if he did, he would be chuckling and shaking his head, hoping none of his friends find out he's married to a chick that shits herself!!! My 2 other sisters and my only brother....if they knew I had a blog...my brother would shit himself laughing so hard. The two other sisters...I don't know if they'd get the humor.

Anyhow, this is how I figure things.....if you can't laugh at yourself, why even bother breathing??? Bubba will tell you that I think I'm the funniest person on the planet...and he's right...I do and I am!!!