My Latest Funk
I don't know what my deal is and its really getting on my nerves now. I mentioned before that I'm super irritable and Bubba gets the brunt of it. This has been going on for weeks! I can't handle it anymore. No, I'm not PMSing....I just finished. The last few days Bubba has said "You need to stop being so cranky all the time. And, yes, its all the time now." I feel bad. I don't mean to be snappy and bitchy, it just comes out and I have no control. Its hard for me to hide what I'm really feeling/thinking with him....he knows me too well. I'm only blogging about it hoping that it'll go away if I get it out of my system.
So, last night after Bubba said I was cranky all the time, I replied "I don't think I'm happy with my life anymore and I'm frustrated and I don't know why."
Bubba: "WHAT? You can't say that and not know why."
"Well, I just said it, so obviously I can say it and I still don't know why." (See I am a bitch. How snotty does that sound!)
Complete silence follows this lovely conversation for about 10 min. and typical in the BNH (Brad-n-Holly) household, I break the silence and start talking about something totally unrelated to the almost crying fit I saw myself starting. We talk about what we're gonna watch on TV. Nice huh?
Anyhow, I start analyzing.....I'm a chick, I can't help myself. So, this is what I came up with. Of course, Bubba is gonna respond like that after I say I'm not happy with my life. If he said that to me I'd be heart broken. To me, he pretty much is my life right now. Do I think Bubba thinks like this? I doubt it, but maybe to some extent. When I said I wasn't happy with my life, I wasn't talking about Bubba (just for the record). What I've come up with is this (and, yes, I'll explain all of this to Bubba when I can do it without the snottiness):
1- I'm so over my job. It's an energy sucker. I can't wait to start school and get going on this next chapter of my/our life.
2- I am very excited about the whole adoption process, but I don't think I'll be able to do the waiting game anymore. I have zero patience for this now.
3- I hate all of the "family" holidays now. I use to love Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter etc etc. But, I'm not a fan anymore. Its more in my face at holiday time, that I don't have a family yet. Especially, at church. Holy Moses, at times, its almost unbearable. I know a family is in my near future and I AM excited, so I'm pissed at myself for feeling sorry for myself. Does that make sense? (Note: I have a problem with getting what is going on in my head out of my mouth, so bear with me here.) I finally feel at peace with the hardest decision Bubba and I have had to make to date, and I'm feeling sorry for myself!! I'm twisted.
4- I'm feeling way too frumpy and fat lately.
5- When I get home from work, I have no motivation to do anything. All I want to do and have been doing, is get in my pj's and watch TV. That is not normal. Maybe I have a case of "mild depression".
Obviously, through writing this, #3 is the "root" of my funk. I need to get out of it. How do I do that? Anyone, anyone? I have an appt. to get my eyebrows waxed/shaped tonight so hopefully that will help with my frumpy feeling. One of my friends said I just need to get laid. We'll see if that's the cure....cuz, oh yeah, I have no sex drive either.
So, last night after Bubba said I was cranky all the time, I replied "I don't think I'm happy with my life anymore and I'm frustrated and I don't know why."
Bubba: "WHAT? You can't say that and not know why."
"Well, I just said it, so obviously I can say it and I still don't know why." (See I am a bitch. How snotty does that sound!)
Complete silence follows this lovely conversation for about 10 min. and typical in the BNH (Brad-n-Holly) household, I break the silence and start talking about something totally unrelated to the almost crying fit I saw myself starting. We talk about what we're gonna watch on TV. Nice huh?
Anyhow, I start analyzing.....I'm a chick, I can't help myself. So, this is what I came up with. Of course, Bubba is gonna respond like that after I say I'm not happy with my life. If he said that to me I'd be heart broken. To me, he pretty much is my life right now. Do I think Bubba thinks like this? I doubt it, but maybe to some extent. When I said I wasn't happy with my life, I wasn't talking about Bubba (just for the record). What I've come up with is this (and, yes, I'll explain all of this to Bubba when I can do it without the snottiness):
1- I'm so over my job. It's an energy sucker. I can't wait to start school and get going on this next chapter of my/our life.
2- I am very excited about the whole adoption process, but I don't think I'll be able to do the waiting game anymore. I have zero patience for this now.
3- I hate all of the "family" holidays now. I use to love Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter etc etc. But, I'm not a fan anymore. Its more in my face at holiday time, that I don't have a family yet. Especially, at church. Holy Moses, at times, its almost unbearable. I know a family is in my near future and I AM excited, so I'm pissed at myself for feeling sorry for myself. Does that make sense? (Note: I have a problem with getting what is going on in my head out of my mouth, so bear with me here.) I finally feel at peace with the hardest decision Bubba and I have had to make to date, and I'm feeling sorry for myself!! I'm twisted.
4- I'm feeling way too frumpy and fat lately.
5- When I get home from work, I have no motivation to do anything. All I want to do and have been doing, is get in my pj's and watch TV. That is not normal. Maybe I have a case of "mild depression".
Obviously, through writing this, #3 is the "root" of my funk. I need to get out of it. How do I do that? Anyone, anyone? I have an appt. to get my eyebrows waxed/shaped tonight so hopefully that will help with my frumpy feeling. One of my friends said I just need to get laid. We'll see if that's the cure....cuz, oh yeah, I have no sex drive either.
posted @9:18 AM
4 Comments:
while I don't believe that I can help... I want you to know that I freakin love you! I have always been a fan of yours and I know that sometimes we are our worst critics. While I am sure it isn't easy on bubba that you are upset, you are both going through some tough crap! Give yourself a break. I have kids and I still get into this funk, that is a fact of life, at least I hope.
xoxox
I think you do a better job at expressing yourself than you give yourself credit for.
Maybe find something you like to do other than reading. I'm just saying... maybe a different hobby, a new one, will distract you for a while. Quilting? We could still find a class if you still want to....
i know for me eating healthy (i'm not an expert but i try) and doing physical things always gets me out of a "funk".
Okay, you don't know me at all. I'm a friend of Amber's and I was cruising through her website and found you. My husband and I adopted two kids through LDSFS and maybe (we'll see if I can try to get back on that rollercoaster) we'll try for a third. Anyway, in my experience, it is always darkest before dawn. Super trite, but true. Keep pluggin away, you will look back at this time and see the miracles later, I promise. By the way, for what it's worth, I hate the process too! It's a pain in the neck.
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