For The Love!!!

Still no baby. Aaarrgh (that's me mad)!! Anyhow, I'm not going to again say how completely insane I am....let's just say that Brad told me yesterday that I was "almost clomid crazy!" For anyone that has been reading my blog the last three years, knows that those are some fightin words!! Problem is, he's right!! The only difference is that I am not crying at the drop of a hat....I am just 100% irrationally bitchy!! Don't even think of looking at me crosseyed cuz I will gouge out your eyes with a toothpick!! I'm so grumpy my sister, Kelly, doesn't even call me without texting me first to gauge my mood...apparently I'm not fun right now. And, I've noticed that when she does call, she has the tone of voice of: don'tripmyheadoffIwasjustcallingtoborrowacupofsugar voice. You know the voice...the one where they are literally walking on eggshells. I don't blame her though. And, then there's wittle meppy. I talk to her almost everyday too. Most of the time its texting and occasionally a phone call. Like when she tells me she hurts so bad she can feel it in her bones. Yuck! She just laughs her ass off at me! She at least still thinks its funny.

Anyhow, we are ready for this to happen. When we don't hear from our birthmom for a few days, I start panicking. I start thinking...I know she had the baby, changed her mind and doesn't want to tell us. This is a reality that most normal people do not have to go through. But, it is very real for those of us who adopt. And (here's where the bitch in me will come out...I apologize if I offend you...I just don't have any tact) please don't try to equate my feelings of "what if she changes her mind" to miscarriage or still birth. Both of those are in their own category as tragic and shouldn't be related to the other either. Obviously when you are adopting, most adoptive couples have already gone through the fertiliy treatments, tests, being pregnant then miscarrying etc. Most adoptive couples have waited what feels like an eternity to begin their family. They have already dealt with the fact that their bodies have failed them time and time again. So, when a birth mom changes her mind, it is more than a massive blow to the gut.

Now with that depressing paragragh I should let you all know that no, I don't think she's gonna change her mind. Brad doesn't think she will either. He absolutely hates it when I start doubting. She has never said or done anything to make me believe that she will, but it is always in the back of my mind that it could happen. I know in my heart that she won't, but try telling that to my brain. So, yes I finally know what it is like to wait....even though I've been waiting for five years, this is different. There is nothing that anyone can say or do to make that thought in the back of my mind go away.